Thoughts

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I finally accepted, half heartedly, that it will never be the same. I never wanted staged, or faked enthusiasm. And i dont like how I feel right now. You and me, we lost that spark, a utopia I felt. A safe place, a warm hug, a soft caress my escape.
Deep down I know it’s the truth, but my stubborn heart is too scared to let you go. Few stick around like you did when i was sick, much leas visit me. But this time I know things have changed for real because my words are feeling a different set of emotions, yes the heart breaking pain, but more so somewhere between lost looking at peices of the past when my happy heart propelled me through the most mundain of days and hoping for a future.
My chest is heavy, From the crushing feeling of how when i lose a lover, i lose a friend too. I enjoy you greatly even as just a friend. But thats a transition few can make back to after romantic or sexual connections where made. And i think that pain comes later.
I dont want to tax you. The energy i need is draining for you. Nor do i ever want a “i love you” to be fake. We both know. It just fucking sucks, kinda like holding on to something painful just to be holding on to something.

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