We were a 99% match, not that it means everything. We began chatting regularly though I wasn’t interested in any romantic connection with him. He was my hunny’s metamour, I wanted to avoid the drama and, honestly, I wasn’t too attracted to his pictures. We connected really well on a very cool cerebral level I hadn’t experienced before. I felt I could bring anything to him and we would really roll up our sleeves, digging into the meat of it all. We would gnaw upon the bones and spit out the gristle, feeling quite full and sated until the next topic of discussion popped up.
We met because he came into town for something else so I invited him over for a swim with me and my kid. The moment we entered the same area, the game changed. It was electric. I’d never had this strong of a feeling for another person upon first sight and touch before. I felt this click. We fit. His afternoon swim lasted much longer than anticipated and he stayed after the kid was put to bed. It was one of the most incredible nights of my life!
Soon after, communication slowed down a bit, but considering how confused I was and how much we normally talked, a bit of slowing would be expected. I wanted to see him again but we were a few hours (by highway) away from each other and my schedule wasn’t very forgiving. I would offer to see him and be met with his busy schedule. Eventually there were other meetings. The picnic I brought to him and we ate in the city square park. The make out session in the car in the McDonald’s parking lot.
Then the “Hang on. This is going too fast for my wife. She wants us to slow down.” Ok. I can respect that. What does that look like? It means we don’t see each other in person anymore. It means the chats are now every few days between. Ok. She will calm down and come to realize how happy he is with me and come back.
After a while, the chats become more frequent. We make plans to meet again. Then the “My girlfriend is having serious issues with jealousy right now. She doesn’t feel this way with her wife or with the other guy she’s dating, but she is with me. She’s making it really hard to have much contact with you.” Ok. I can understand this can be hard for some people. She will eventually calm down, too.
Then the little words that came out piece by piece.
“Well, my wife didn’t approve of us fooling around before it happened. I cheated on her with you.”
“My girlfriend is dating someone new and will be distracted enough soon that I can see you maybe.”
“I just have absolutely no control over myself when I’m around you so I have to have space.”
“My wife wants a divorce and my girlfriend wants more time with me.”
“Things are really busy with the move and the new job and my girlfriend is even more demanding of my time.”
Slowly, these words chipped away at me. Our conversations became scant and cursory. We were no longer tearing apart the ideas with our fingernails and teeth, we were now discussing the weather, the health of the kids, grocery trips.
One more try to meet. I needed help moving some furniture and he offered his help. We met up and while things were still electric, there was a huge wall between us. I mourned for him as he sat in the car right next to me. He made a comment after of enjoying helping me and offered to help again if anything came up and I gave a non-committal end of the conversation that could be read as the end of all contact. He said he would get back to me once he had cooled off (physically because it was a very hot day).
And then there was silence.
This once red-hot connection that filled so many of our waking hours that turned to pure ice.
Sure, it could have been that the NRE had run its course, but it felt like more.
After this I learned a few very valuable lessons. First, I don’t go into connections with people while holding expectations of what it will be. I let it flow as the relationship will and build as it will.
Second, be sure to discuss agreements someone has with others before agreeing to go along. I had no idea that he had to have permission from his wife before he touched me and felt punished when he broke it, like I had purposefully done something wrong, when in reality, I hadn’t. This is especially true of people who “open up” their relationships after following a monogamous model. Those “agreements” and “rules” and “boundaries” should all be shared with others whom will inevitably be impacted by them (even though they had absolutely no say in the rules placed upon them by others).
Third, closing down to help someone feel more comfortable with opening up doesn’t work that way. Each individual needs to be responsible for their own garbage and has to be willing to work on their own stuff. Dictating another’s behavior will just add more power to the fears and insecurities that are eating away. If someone feels the need to “close down” the relationship, they need to deal with their own feelings without sacrificing the other person (who again has no say or discussion in the fact that they have now been severed with no control of their own).
Fourth, sometimes things are worth fighting for. Sometimes special connections are made and they are made for a reason or a season, while others are made to fight for. Having a person who isn’t willing to fight for the connection, that they won’t fight for you, will not make for a long connection. Sometimes those short connections are great lessons for all where you can really learn more about yourself and what you are willing to accept or not accept and about new red flags to ignore or side-step.
Fifth, sometimes you and your needs are worth fighting for. If your needs are not being met, speak up. Don’t assume the other person has the same needs as you. They may think things are going just fine when inside you feel like a part of you is missing. Tell them! They can’t really help you to meet your needs without earnestly speaking up, regardless of how you assume it will be taken. People can surprise you.
Lastly, allowing others to make relationships decisions for you will more often lead to sorrow and broken hearts. The power and control of a connection should solidly be with those who have the direct connection. Allowing others who are not directly involved to have a bigger say in the connection is disrespectful and belittling. The people who are most important in the direct relationship should have the say on the direct relationship.
I wish I had a happier ending to this story, but perhaps one day the gems from this relationship will be resewn into a new configuration and there will be quite a lot of joy. Perhaps there might even be that electricity again. Only time will tell.
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Cautionary Poly: Teachable Moments in Polyamorous Relationships is a special feature of Poly Role Models. The goal of this feature is to highlight the fact that successful polyamory isn’t always free of mistakes…and those mistakes can definitely be gained from. Now accepting submissions. If you’ve got a story to share please post it here or email me at PolyRoleModels@gmail.com.
Whoa! So amazingly written 😮😮
Perpetual Commotion 
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