Being in polyamorous relationships, for me, has meant that I intentionally and critically question and talk through every aspect of a relationship with any person I am entering said relationship with.
It has meant a tremendous amount of effort put toward open and honest communication, with the goal of eliminating silent expectations.
In the beginning of a relationship, I invest a lot of time into the conversation of “who are we to each other?”
Whether we choose commonly used terms like “girlfriend” and “boyfriend” or create our own language to describe the relationship, it is always followed by:
“what does that mean to you?”
Putting this effort in on the front end helps lay a foundation for successful communication about issues that come up within the relationship.
So what about when the relationship ends?
In monogamy, when a relationship ends, there are a series of actions that are expected to occur, immediately:
- Cease all forms of physical contact, intimacy, or tenderness
- Change communication to platonic, or cease communication
- Sever all ties to close friends and family of the other person
- Inform others promptly of the split
- Separate shared assets, divide belongings
- Cease cohabitation if it is taking place
- etc.
In polyamory, with relationships that are as complicated and nuanced as the individuals within them, the process of breaking up is far less clear.
Is this a shift in the nature of our relationship, or a termination of it?
Are we ending our relationship romantically? Physically? Both?
Does this come from incompatibility, disinterest, or a lack of love? Something else altogether?
What will change, and what will not change?Every single individual aspect of the relationship that was originally negotiated becomes re-negotiated during the process of breaking up, ending, changing, shifting, or re-evaluating an existing relationship.
It’s a parallel conversation through and through.
What will you call me in the new relationship we are entering?
Who will I be to you after this transition?Will our relationship include sexual or physical components?
Are we terminating the sexual and physical components of this relationship?How will you expect me to support you when things are difficult?
Is my emotional support still warranted, or should I redirect that energy?In my opinion, a breakup that comes from incompatibility, versus a breakup that comes from abuse or lack of love, can usually be approached with tenderness and care by the individuals involved.
All the time and energy that went into constructing a relationship that was meant to fit the people involved can be brought to the process of breaking that relationship up.
This compassionate approach to ending a relationship can result in a lot of wonderful things:
- Closure about why the relationship needs to change or end
- Explanation for the ways that things did and didn’t work
- Termination of parts of the relationship that are damaging
- Potential to salvage parts of the relationship that are still positive
- Potential to maintain a compassionate and loving approach to the people involved
- Knowledge of self and others
- Ability to express needs, wants, etc. that might not have been expressed in the relationship
Breaking up can be sad and frustrating and overwhelming and exhausting, but if the people involved care deeply about each other it is possible for breaking up to be a new beginning in the same moment as it is an end.
This was a rough transition but I’m so grateful that @nightsoul317 and @madamdevious were there for me and especially Momma as she had to do some breaking up with the bad daddy too. It was some rough days for sure.
So much of my poly resides on friendship. Breakups often return to platonic friendships if effort to do so is returned. Otherwise the fizzle out and become memories 😔😢
Perpetual Commotion 
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