Defeated

Not some thing I admit to feeling often. Today I admitted that feeling in therapy. Chronic illness has kicked my ass my whole fucking life. And this last round in the hospital was hard on my mental health.

15 days from my last hosptial stay and i am sick again. I eat well, wash my hands, take vitamins, my house is crazy lady clean, from being auto immune my whole life i run a tight ship. But at last, I am sick again.

Maybe just a lame head cold but the fear remains from how scary it got. It all started as a head cold last time… So i lay here. Let the tears fall, I dont have to be strong and positive all the time. I can cry. I can be scared and defeated. Now to manage my broken body that hates me.

They say celebrate the little wins…. but im tired.. I’m scared. . And im sick.