Defeated
Not some thing I admit to feeling often. Today I admitted that feeling in therapy. Chronic illness has kicked my ass my whole fucking life. And this last round in the hospital was hard on my mental health.
15 days from my last hosptial stay and i am sick again. I eat well, wash my hands, take vitamins, my house is crazy lady clean, from being auto immune my whole life i run a tight ship. But at last, I am sick again.
Maybe just a lame head cold but the fear remains from how scary it got. It all started as a head cold last time… So i lay here. Let the tears fall, I dont have to be strong and positive all the time. I can cry. I can be scared and defeated. Now to manage my broken body that hates me.
They say celebrate the little wins…. but im tired.. I’m scared. . And im sick.
True! They tend to mean a lot more than just words
Laying in bed with my love.
He wanted to talk, catch up. Its Been such a crazy week. And being apart for 4days wasn’t easy. I shared a song that made me think of him this week. Shared parts of converstions, thoughts and emotions. Did my homework for Monday’s appoinemnt, and just spent time together.
We are in such a better place together now. And this week has been a test to all the changes we have made.
I think the most touching thing said tonight,
“You told me your scared, but i am too, im happy to see you eyes sparkle again, i know you’ve miss him. But remeber the break up didnt just effect you alone last time, so yes im scared too.”
I cant ask for a more loving supportive husband. Our crazy life is never short of a realty tv show. He listens to my happiness, and comforts my sadness. Celebrates my joys and protects my broken peices.
Perpetual Commotion 