Ugly cry

Getting a goodbye text I had no idea was coming, because he said he understood. I wanted nothing more than to break out in tears and ball… but my feet were in the middle of a pedicure, and i was with someone who dosnt know im poly.

I held it together as long as i could…. the second my car door closed, i fell apart. Hard, ugly crying… Sitting in the dark wanting to drive…. right now…to his house and fight for his friendship, to hear me out and communcate. He means a lot to me, but hes done, because backing up to rebuild boundaries from dating to friendship was recived as abandonment. I had NOT left, Ive been right here waiting patiently for him to feel comfortable. Because i couldn’t even see him under platonic terms, but others got to see him regularly despite thier transgressions. I didnt feel he wanted me close. I waited for him to let ME know where I fit in HIS life. I had no idea. I’ve rolled with the ever changing situation, good and bad, and some how he felt i was only around for the good. How?!?

Ugh I’d drive there… right now… god i want to… if it would show him how much i dont want a goodbye. But she wouldn’t appriacte that, and I respect his family to not bring that to his home. I hate that I repect people more than my own feelings sometimes because id be on his doorstep, in tears wanting to talk.

My chest aches so bad. But he made a choice instead of talking to me. I communicated, i was told he understood. I just don’t understand.