daddygirllulu:

unlearning-monogamy:

Being in polyamorous relationships, for me, has meant that I intentionally and critically question and talk through every aspect of a relationship with any person I am entering said relationship with.

It has meant a tremendous amount of effort put toward open and honest communication, with the goal of eliminating silent expectations.

In the beginning of a relationship, I invest a lot of time into the conversation of “who are we to each other?”

Whether we choose commonly used terms like “girlfriend” and “boyfriend” or create our own language to describe the relationship, it is always followed by:

“what does that mean to you?”

Putting this effort in on the front end helps lay a foundation for successful communication about issues that come up within the relationship.

So what about when the relationship ends?

In monogamy, when a relationship ends, there are a series of actions that are expected to occur, immediately:

• Cease all forms of physical contact, intimacy, or tenderness
• Change communication to platonic, or cease communication
• Sever all ties to close friends and family of the other person
• Inform others promptly of the split
• Separate shared assets, divide belongings
• Cease cohabitation if it is taking place
• etc.

In polyamory, with relationships that are as complicated and nuanced as the individuals within them, the process of breaking up is far less clear.

Is this a shift in the nature of our relationship, or a termination of it?
Are we ending our relationship romantically? Physically? Both?
Does this come from incompatibility, disinterest, or a lack of love? Something else altogether?
What will change, and what will not change?

Every single individual aspect of the relationship that was originally negotiated becomes re-negotiated during the process of breaking up, ending, changing, shifting, or re-evaluating an existing relationship.

It’s a parallel conversation through and through.

What will you call me in the new relationship we are entering?
Who will I be to you after this transition?

Will our relationship include sexual or physical components?
Are we terminating the sexual and physical components of this relationship?

How will you expect me to support you when things are difficult?
Is my emotional support still warranted, or should I redirect that energy?

In my opinion, a breakup that comes from incompatibility, versus a breakup that comes from abuse or lack of love, can usually be approached with tenderness and care by the individuals involved.

All the time and energy that went into constructing a relationship that was meant to fit the people involved can be brought to the process of breaking that relationship up.

This compassionate approach to ending a relationship can result in a lot of wonderful things:

• Closure about why the relationship needs to change or end
• Explanation for the ways that things did and didn’t work
• Termination of parts of the relationship that are damaging
• Potential to salvage parts of the relationship that are still positive
• Potential to maintain a compassionate and loving approach to the people involved
• Knowledge of self and others
• Ability to express needs, wants, etc. that might not have been expressed in the relationship

Breaking up can be sad and frustrating and overwhelming and exhausting, but if the people involved care deeply about each other it is possible for breaking up to be a new beginning in the same moment as it is an end.

This was a rough transition but I’m so grateful that @nightsoul317 and @madamdevious were there for me and especially Momma as she had to do some breaking up with the bad daddy too. It was some rough days for sure.

So much of my poly resides on friendship. Breakups often return to platonic friendships if effort to do so is returned. Otherwise the fizzle out and become memories 😔😢

Home

Made it home. So Many errands and chores caught up but still behind. It’s late and im FINALLY showered and unwinding. Tomorrow I should be able to catch up.

I have so much on my mind. While i can’t do anything about The emotional stuff the phyical to-do list for this week and next should keep me busy.

On a postive note, the kids slept on the drive home. So hubby asked me about how i was feeling, and let me think out loud. I can’t say I feel any better, but justified in how I feel if anything.

Happy to be in my own bed, that is for sure. I feel like crap but I’m hoping it’s just fatigue from very broken crap sleep, and stress.

Some last min news before bed .. hubbies distant family (his fsmily is huge and no one talks) is being evacuated from the Santa Rosa area. Keep an ear out on their updates.

Not very poly related topics but just my mental unloading.

Bruised but never Broken

Its sunday, Im sitting in a empty hospital parking lot 2.5 hrs from home, at 11p alone.

Last week My own heart was hit hard with a lovely emotional one-two punch Tue & wed. While trying to shake off the tears Saturday, I received a phone call saying that we needed to get my step daughter to Reno immediately to say her goodbyes to her maternal grandfather less than 20% of his heart is working. Left home at 11p saturday night. We will return home tomorrow (monday). To resume work school and prep for a birthday party friday. However she is staying bed side with him tonight. Her plate has been so full with a break up, just started her first year of college, & her 18th birthday is next week.

While up here with my daughters(step) I hear through the Grapevine of drama that runs rampant on this bio maternal side of the family, my oldest who lives here in reno now with her fiance, & soon to be 19 y.o herself is pregnant. Her and her fiance have done a lot better than I thought they would being out on their own, after being homeless and still refusing to tell us or let us help, but there are by no means ready for a child. Apparently she’s planning on sitting us down this weekend to tell us when she comes down to visit during her sister’s birthday party. I have no idea the right way to react to this.

My heart hurts, my normal tribe of comfort isnt in place or wants to toss a few to many “told you so” my direction, so I’ve just been building a few more walls and just keep moving forward.

Words can not express how badly I need a genuine healing hug, and feel like I have no one to turn to.

Momma bear is bruused, but strong for her baby bears, while trying to make the best choices each step of the way.

I’m so tired and bruised.