To whoever is lucky enough to be her next,
She’s jealous. Furiously, viciously, desperately jealous. It’ll annoy you, fuck, it’ll annoy you. But don’t get angry, learn to love it. It means she loves you, she cares. She cares so much. She’ll think every girl can see what she sees in you.She’s scared of the dark sometimes, she has nightmares, bad ones. Hold her. Hold her so tight, stroke her hair, kiss her forehead, and don’t sleep without lingering your arm around her limbs, please don’t let her go.
She has a sense of humour you’ll never find in anybody else. She’s so funny, a dark and honest humour that will make you laugh until your stomach hurts. She’ll love to laugh, make her laugh. She throws her head back and her hair brushes off her shoulders and her eyes light up so bright it’s indescribable, you’ll know what I’m talking about.
She’s insecure, heartbreakingly so. She always has been and she probably always will be. She’ll put the duvet over her body and she’ll turn the other way if you look at her for too long, but she is beautiful. In every light, in every season, at every time of day and in every dimension of the universe, she’s beautiful. Remind her, every day. She’ll blush and shrug it off but she’ll smile when she thinks about it lying in bed that night, and that’s worth the stars in the skies.
Lastly, she doesn’t give second chances. She didn’t give me one. I didn’t deserve one but I’ll never stop wishing I got one. At every opportunity, kiss her in the street, buy her flowers (she loves orchids), dance with her at parties and don’t break her heart. Please don’t break her heart. Because that’ll end up breaking yours twice as bad. You’ll fall asleep to the sound of her closing the door behind her and you’ll never fucking forget it.
Love her, because she’ll love you. She doesn’t do anything in halves, she’ll love you whole heartedly and she’ll do it so very gracefully. Love every single one of her flaws, if you ever manage to find any, love her how she deserves and don’t make my mistake.
Yours truly, I lost her
I love it when people tell me about me because I have no idea who I am
I love when people say “i really like that thing you do, you know when you (insert thing)” and you had no idea that is something you do. I also love it when people know more about you than you do. I get really excited.
I love hearing what people like because for so long I only heard what people hated about me
Changes and current events
So I was sorta seeing someone for about a month. Will call him (WM-boy). He got WAY more attached then I and well, it super complicated things. He was younger than i, by more than I should have a tempted to date. And his life goals and drive where completely non-existent. My life has so much drive, demand, chaos, he just was too damn needy for me. We still text for now. But the physical is over.
Last night pop had to go to ER. COPD complacations. Hes being kept and treated should be fine. I was there till 330a alone with pop. Kids and hubby asleep at home. And WM-BOY despite breaking up the same fucking day, texted with me until I got home safely. That’s the kind of care I want in a BF. I just need someone who’s trying to thrive in life not sitting having tea with depression until they have someone else to have tea with. *sigh*
As for “eyes”, no contact all weekend…. Monday is half over and I got nothing. BFF says let it go if I don’t hear from him by end of day monday. And I won’t lie not texting him sucks. I kinda saw way more potential there than I probably should have. *sigh*
Guess that mean I’m mono, for now. And that’s fine too. He and I have spent small chunks of time being playful and *in* love. Even our teens are grossed out by our love. Hehe.
I expect this week to be crazy. We shale see.
💙
*flash back* >Rabbit <
Every two days I had a blood draw. And as long as I skipped Wednesdays I had a better chance of seeing him. He was the best looking black man I had ever set eyes on. His smile made the room warm. He never missed my blood draws knew just how to get it. We chatted and more and more we connected. Until one day I gave him my number. Crazy and so unlike me but I’ve come to learn I do that when my heart goes swimming in my stomach.
He called. Our friendship grew. I wasn’t looking for a 2nd partner. I was getting over mr.starbucks, and eyes kinda on wolf. But Rabbit was close. Married *don’t ask don’t tell set up* he made time for me.
I went through my chemo the summer of 2013 he’d take his lunch breaks from the lab and come up & sit in the infusion rooms with me. Even gave the gals advice on what veins to port me. I call him rabbit because he was my Roger Rabbit. He called m hs Jessica Rabbit. *sigh*
He and hubby had even gone out for drinks together once. We only hooked up physically once, physically our relationship didn’t match. Friendship it rocked.
We kept in touch the best we could with my life moving forward post surgery and his falling apart with house, job, marriage, and kidney failure problems.
His facebook showed me a post his wife tagged him in. The day had come they had a kidney match. He was heading in for his kidney.
I work the next morning to the most crushing news. The surgery had failed. My friend was gone. And given the dynamic of our friendship there would be no services I could attend. With that post on my phone I cried. For days I read tagged post with goodbyes. It was a loss I wasn’t prepared for.
My jack of clubs, my rabbit, my friend. How your so missed. ❤ Jessica Rabbit
It’s a weird limbo to sit in. Wondering what kind of impression you left on someone else. Waiting to know if they felt the same spark. The back of my mind replays the coffee meet up. While my mind also grabs boxes to pack up and move on. I’m so fragile right now. My minds been in a mix-up of emotions, more family life than my poly life.
It’s the weekend, everyone’s on family time, eyes has his plates full with some rather unsettling personal stuff. So I won’t text him. If he felt there was a spark he will call or text.
*I hope*
In the mean time today hubby and I touched topic on mono and poly. And about having a open couple over for a bbq or how we might react/interact with another poly family
I love best when I love more makes me poly
He loves best when he loves one. Makes him mono
He said something about it makes him loyal and It stung. I told him that makes me kinda sad, like my love holds less loyalty. He burst into tears. Because he never meant that. He knows i love him deeper and more than I love even myself. I knew what he was trying to get to but the words used sucked.
Seeing him cry breaks me. I love that man more than I can explain. And he’s the only person to love me unconditionally.
[Polyamory] isn’t dividing your heart into multiple sections. Loving someone else doesn’t mean I love your father less. It’s like having kids; instead of dividing my love between you, I have separate units of love for each of you.
My mother, upon telling me that she and my dad are polyamorous and have an open marriage three years ago (via denarilah)
What a way to state that.
Maybe that’s how we can tell our kids ❤
Its funny how cheating and lying are more socially acceptable than polyamory
Tim Sinnot
(via polylove-girls-blog)
😓😔😕
Perpetual Commotion 