Tag: breakup

And while it took me a long time, I’ve come to learn I’m okay with that.

Love is a infinite thing, but I find each one is nothing like the others. It varies in depth, power, and passion. I understand why it’s called falling in love because you can’t stop it. It’s much like a free fall, And the landing isn’t always pretty.

It took me a while to get through the pain. To appreciate what it was, and how it changed me and help me grow. Not long for what might have been but thankful for what it was.. I’m truely thankful for it. It just took me time to heal.

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Sick

I just want to throw up. The pressure in my chest from my heart is unreal. Like vomiting would reduce the pressure but it just my heart. realistically, it’s just emotions that i can see the whole picture, yet changes absolutely nothing to how i feel… the heart wants what it wants.

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Ugly cry

Getting a goodbye text I had no idea was coming, because he said he understood. I wanted nothing more than to break out in tears and ball… but my feet were in the middle of a pedicure, and i was with someone who dosnt know im poly.

I held it together as long as i could…. the second my car door closed, i fell apart. Hard, ugly crying… Sitting in the dark wanting to drive…. right now…to his house and fight for his friendship, to hear me out and communcate. He means a lot to me, but hes done, because backing up to rebuild boundaries from dating to friendship was recived as abandonment. I had NOT left, Ive been right here waiting patiently for him to feel comfortable. Because i couldn’t even see him under platonic terms, but others got to see him regularly despite thier transgressions. I didnt feel he wanted me close. I waited for him to let ME know where I fit in HIS life. I had no idea. I’ve rolled with the ever changing situation, good and bad, and some how he felt i was only around for the good. How?!?

Ugh I’d drive there… right now… god i want to… if it would show him how much i dont want a goodbye. But she wouldn’t appriacte that, and I respect his family to not bring that to his home. I hate that I repect people more than my own feelings sometimes because id be on his doorstep, in tears wanting to talk.

My chest aches so bad. But he made a choice instead of talking to me. I communicated, i was told he understood. I just don’t understand.

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😞When someone asks how your BF is….

And it brings a flood of emotions when you remember you havent told them that relationship had ended.

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Sometimes other peoples stuggles trigger us to reflect on ourselves

Watching my daughter go through a break up in which false hope was given, was kind of a slap in the face.

Some self reflecting was noted, and I asked a question today that sucked. But it needed to be said. I don’t feel anything’s changed in my own poly life but needed to make sure I wasn’t blindly standing alone.

Hugging her, I’m reminded of my own heart breaks, over the years, that have shaped me, How being poly I’m still vournalable to more heartache.

WILLINGLY, It’s crazy… because when its good, the butterflies and bubbles the cloud nine, it’s so good. But the down side… oh man when its bad, it’s so bad. I know, I’ve spent my time crying this year over a breakup. It’s hard to remember just how bad it hurts when your not currently in it. But I remember them more than I should. That’s probably my driving force to be so honest. Because false hope, lies big or small, exaggerations, broken promises, all can be so crushing.

Tonight, my heart breaks a bit for her. I hold her knowing nothing I can say or do will remotely began to repair her. I find myself fighting my own tears, not in all my own self reflections, simply because my baby girl hurts and I can’t fix it for her.

Love, Lust, Passion & Connection are all so powerful. They can heal us, and they can shatter us to the core.

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Left on read….

As person

*whom has explained their previous scars

*has asked you to not ask “hows your day” if you don’t have the time to really chat

*has told you how i feel in regards to your newest addition squashing our NRE prematurely

*has watched her take major priority on your calendar and free time

As a person whos lovey dovey GIF was left all day on READ because weekends you go MIA when with her.

I have gotten your messages. Not in text, not voice, but by actions.

Your game, is well played.
You looked so well put together.. i was so impressed by you.
But i have seen now, you are flighty and have no real plan. You have no real dominance after all. Another fake.

I dont know that this is the game i want to play anymore.

Im not a convenience.
Im a person who let down my walls for someone who lives one NRE high to the next. 😔

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Changes and current events

So I was sorta seeing someone for about a month. Will call him (WM-boy). He got WAY more attached then I and well, it super complicated things. He was younger than i, by more than I should have a tempted to date. And his life goals and drive where completely non-existent. My life has so much drive, demand, chaos, he just was too damn needy for me. We still text for now. But the physical is over.

Last night pop had to go to ER. COPD complacations. Hes being kept and treated should be fine. I was there till 330a alone with pop. Kids and hubby asleep at home. And WM-BOY despite breaking up the same fucking day, texted with me until I got home safely. That’s the kind of care I want in a BF. I just need someone who’s trying to thrive in life not sitting having tea with depression until they have someone else to have tea with. *sigh*

As for “eyes”, no contact all weekend…. Monday is half over and I got nothing. BFF says let it go if I don’t hear from him by end of day monday. And I won’t lie not texting him sucks. I kinda saw way more potential there than I probably should have. *sigh*

Guess that mean I’m mono, for now. And that’s fine too. He and I have spent small chunks of time being playful and *in* love. Even our teens are grossed out by our love. Hehe.

I expect this week to be crazy. We shale see.
💙

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