FUCK OCTOBER

This month has been a cluster fuck of emotions for me. I was really happy, somethings were messy and not ideal but in the works of being better. Then October came.

Like the joys of summer came to a screeching halt. I find myself still catching my breath. Dazed and confused sometimes wonderimg what the actual fuck happened. But life does that.

Some minor things came to a head with my primary partner that needed to. They were issues from years gone by that the shake up of a new job created an avalanche of issues. Mainly boiling down to communction of mundane things, and expression of appreciation and gratitude. Im no angel in this mess & Not compleelty one sided. My home base, my rock, is unstable and that is a hard feeling in it self to juggle things with.

Then my secondary relationship comes to a end. Compleetly out of my say or control, irrelevant to how i felt. I clearly misunderstood what felt like comperssion, i was later used as an emotional weapon of wadgering so it feels. And yet again only proving to listen to my damn gut instincts more.

I am then slammed with a painful fibro flare that resulted in a dr visit. And weather yo-yo-ing is only making this month harder to handled.

Then comes news, my oldest daughter is pregnant! I want so badly to not be the way my mother was with me. I wasnt a preg 19y.o but she hated every life choice i made. Suprise my life isnt a total mess. She was never positive. Hateful, spiteful, and cold. I want to be better. I want badly to be supportive regardless how scared for her i am and fruststrated with her life choices right now. The emotional turmoil caused by being raised by toxic families NEVER goes away. Its a conscious effort to be better. Its whole heartedly thinking carefully about each and every word or expression you let out. I have so far done very good at handling the news and her questions and been supportive being 2 hrs away. But the emotions involved are record levels. The toxic scars become more visible while dealing with things and are a brutal reminder.

Im in need of the kind of hugs that comfort and make it feel that all your peices are being pushed back in place

*sigh* Fuck October

55days

I was hoping like hell to see him this week. Went on a limb and asked too. But that went to shit in a hand basket. It’s been 55 days since I seen him and rules changed. Pretty much everything I expected and saw coming has unfolded. New to poly seems to fallow a predictable path, i know better than to mess with people just finding poly.

Yeah my heart hurts. Worse than I expected. But I’m grateful for the truth. I find real people such a rare thing in my life. Especially around here. And i hope a friendship can be had after all thats about all I had anyhow.

I feel others placed labels as a way to make them feel better, and that unfairly gave me security and false hope. Massive false hope really.

I need a broom to pick up the peices as my heart breaks in to smaller peices each time. And of course when it rains it pours, so this isnt the only thing hurting me

Boxes

Sometimes how we categorize things adds to the frustion because we often have expections of those categories no matter how hard we try to avoid expections. I find more often than not those expections really are just wants of How I want things to be.

When I change the way I view something, it makes dealing with how i feel about it easier. I dont have to quit, or give up, to change the box something’s in. Just re think it. Regroup what I want from it.

In both my polyam dating life, my childhood of abuse, and my everyday family life. It’s a coping skill.