Nor-cal, 33y.o, mom, wife, spoonie…. My life is one of those "had to be there" jokes. Think of it as a peek in to my mind. some NSFW/18+ only please, all most everything is a repost from other social media platform that i can relate with or love. Common topics include: Moon, Space, Coffee, Love, Depression, feelings, poly, ASD & Fibromyalgia
Someone taught me a lesson I hold dear to my heart.
Love is non- transactional, we can love people and say we love them and while it feels safe and good to have that vulnerability and emotions returned it’s not required. And we shouldn’t fear feeling that amazing emotion.
Tonight the word love was used in a context that would normal scare me out the door running. But I just smiled and pulled him closer and kissed him. I told him he makes my heart very happy.
Tonight things worked out to spend time together. I was so giddy just to see him. (Him needs a nick-name) We met up at round table and laughed like old friends. A comfort and familiarity that I shouldn’t have yet.
We went back to his place for 3 hrs. Snuggled and I wished I could have stayed the whole night there. He insisted on walking me out when I left, and again ‘text me when you get home safe’
I’m so dumbfounded by him. Like where has this amazing human been all this time, why couldn’t I have met him sooner? But for now I will simply enjoy that our paths are intertwined now. And enjoy the time I have with him. Because he makes me feel beautiful, valued, appreciated, and special.
6.16.18
“Sometimes you meet someone, and it’s so clear that the two of you, on some level belong together. As lovers, or as friends, or as family, or as something entirely different. You just work, whether you understand one another or you’re in love or you’re partners in crime. You meet these people throughout your life, out of nowhere, under the strangest circumstances, and they help you feel alive. I don’t know if that makes me believe in coincidence, or fate, or sheer blind luck, but it definitely makes me believe in something.”
— (via bl-ossomed)
6.12.18
I feel so much better after the convo. It’s good to see the effort fallow through physically, and I was honest about my personal anxieties. he listened and understood, Feeling understood and not told, or made to feel like I’m too clingy, needy or sappy is a very comforting change. The feelings are openly expressed as mutual.
I’m excited and happy. Being he’s never done polyamory before, I’m letting him decide what hes comfortable with. But as long as the effort stays I will continue to be impressed, consistency.
6.3.18
A successful date with someone I have been talking too. We got to meet up for wings.
His transparency leaves me in shock. And feels like a trap because it’s so refreshing.
We met up for a early dinner as he as a early riser for work. My anxiety was high like normal but I calmed down after a while. After lots of rambling. I am at a point I’ll just spill my drama and crazy life and if people wanna stick around I’ll be shocked. He doesn’t seem bothered by my crazy. Only big down fall, hes never done polyamory before. That scares me a bit. Just due to my own past. But everyone’s different. He asked questions and legitimately listens.
I’d like to see where this goes. Keeping my hands to myself was hard because his hug made me weak in the knees. We fit together in the hug so well I could get lost.
I got in a deep conversation with someone about what would be the ideal polyam relationship for me.
And thinking over the past ones. What each one brought me, how each one changed me, and help me grow.
I’d have to say I want the kind of polyam relationship that’s strongly rooted in friendship. Were you can be like best friends who can be physical w/o compermizing our marriages or other relationships. Who helps each other grow, vent, think through life problems, brain storm, dream up what ifs, cheers each other on, celebrates our wins with us and comforts our losses.
I get that often poly isn’t a full time relationship at times, sometimes we are in a secondary position, closeted, or more hushed in our lifestyle w/ poly but that doesn’t mean the supportive friendship ground work isnt there.
I have found that kind of connection only a few times. And even fewer was it able to be a relationship of more than friends like I longed for.
I can’t say dating is easy by any means. But I think building meaningful friendships in itself feels more impossible these days.
Sex is great but i wan an intimacy that isn’t strickly sexual and I want that with people I can invest deeply in and know they feel it too by the effort they make to return it.
Today was a monday that I cant say i saw coming.
My day started out with texts that My daughter was in early stages of labor. I got up and left town in 30 min to make the 2hr drive to her, shes 2 weeks early, and today my baby girl, gave birth to her first child. a healthy baby boy 6lb 11oz, 19inches . She did amazing, and impressed me how much shes grown in 9mths..
💙💚💛💙💚💛
Parenting makes weird full circles when grandkids come around. I am Nonna, an name close to my own heart. And i think shes gunna be a fantastic Momma bear
💙💚💛💙💚💛
I also had a more, in-depth, lengthy conversation with someone today. Someone, i honestly didnt think i would cross paths with again. I’m not sure if Im more shocked😮, or scared of being hurt again😞. BUT the excitement is welcomed and was honestly missed. 😶😏☺
With the many different directions my 2018 has gone in such a short time, I can’t even pretend to have an idea what lays ahead. But im excited, and kinda 🦋butterflies and dare i say bumblebees 🐝😂🤣😂
Its not always romantic love.
Tonight i got a call from someone who is both my ex and a super awesome friend. Phone calls between us are new. Its been letters mainly for years, As we ended our phone call i told him “love you bunches” and i didn’t think twice.
I could hear in his voice the shock to hear that & i know given his own situation. He likely hasnt heard that in a while. He stumbled & said love you too.
I do love a lot of people, in many different ways. Being auto immune is one of many factors that i think i tend to express my love for others more openly than most.
Perpetual Commotion 