Habits

I tend to get in a routine. I like comfortable. Safe. Secure.

But I know I enjoy connections, going out, doing, pushing limits of my own anxiety and norms.

I am happy in My …. ummm not sure what it is.. but I’ll call it a relationship because so many levels apply with that word.

Hubby and I are also in a good place.

I have had someone asking to meet me for weeks now. And to be honest I haven’t wanted to at all, moody and depression and more than anything I’m happy and I dont want any waves to change that. But that’s not how life works. Nor is it healthy. Defantly not the way poly works for me. But monogamous norms try to pull me in to comfortable.

So I have dinner plans friday. Meeting a new person. Facing my anxieties and being social for my own good.

I see my Panda on Sunday and his Wife, which I’m over the moon excited about. In a more platonic situation, I do so miss him.

This years been quiet a rollercoaster. So let see what craziness the last 53 days hold.

November 8, 2018 0

Blunt but honest

Someone I’ve been talking with we’ve expressed interest in wanting more. I was so blunt and honest. Which was a breath of fresh air for me .

What i said was

“Speaking bluntly. The only resistance or hesitation you will find is my own insecurities from old wounds, Otherwise I’m very interested, im looking forward to getting to know you more and working our way that direction. As for boundaries, I dont know that they are boundaries per se, I date. I dont do hookups. My wounds are people being all talk, sweet & sappy, only to want the physical parts. I give my poly relationships the same respect, and honesty and effort as a traditional relationship. I expect that returned.

I’m not one to be as blunt as i should be but i was tonight. I guess I’m really done with how things have been and I’m trying really hard to be the change i wanna see in my own life.

September 21, 2018 0

Honestly Happy

Tonight things worked out to spend time together. I was so giddy just to see him. (Him needs a nick-name) We met up at round table and laughed like old friends. A comfort and familiarity that I shouldn’t have yet.

We went back to his place for 3 hrs. Snuggled and I wished I could have stayed the whole night there. He insisted on walking me out when I left, and again ‘text me when you get home safe’

I’m so dumbfounded by him. Like where has this amazing human been all this time, why couldn’t I have met him sooner? But for now I will simply enjoy that our paths are intertwined now. And enjoy the time I have with him. Because he makes me feel beautiful, valued, appreciated, and special.

6.16.18

June 17, 2018 0

ladyvean:

“Sometimes you meet someone, and it’s so clear that the two of you, on some level belong together. As lovers, or as friends, or as family, or as something entirely different. You just work, whether you understand one another or you’re in love or you’re partners in crime. You meet these people throughout your life, out of nowhere, under the strangest circumstances, and they help you feel alive. I don’t know if that makes me believe in coincidence, or fate, or sheer blind luck, but it definitely makes me believe in something.”

— (via bl-ossomed)

June 13, 2018 0

6.12.18

I feel so much better after the convo. It’s good to see the effort fallow through physically, and I was honest about my personal anxieties. he listened and understood, Feeling understood and not told, or made to feel like I’m too clingy, needy or sappy is a very comforting change. The feelings are openly expressed as mutual.

I’m excited and happy. Being he’s never done polyamory before, I’m letting him decide what hes comfortable with. But as long as the effort stays I will continue to be impressed, consistency.

I’m still smiling from ear to ear.

June 13, 2018 0

When NRE is flying high, and I make sure to check in with hubby. The Compersion he feels for me makes me fall more in love with him… the circle of love

June 9, 2018 0

Two texts that made my heart happy today….

“I’m happy that I found you…you are introducing me into something I wouldn’t have thought about trying ever…but I like your personality and how you think. I like how we flow and just get along…its been a really long time since I’ve had that…its refreshing and nice!I love what we have and what we are building!!I’m lucky to have you.”
“I have a bad habit of staring lol I cant help it though, someone as beautiful and amazing as you!! 😊😚”

💗My heart is so happy💗

June 6, 2018 0

Holy shit

6.3.18

A successful date with someone I have been talking too. We got to meet up for wings.

His transparency leaves me in shock. And feels like a trap because it’s so refreshing.

We met up for a early dinner as he as a early riser for work. My anxiety was high like normal but I calmed down after a while. After lots of rambling. I am at a point I’ll just spill my drama and crazy life and if people wanna stick around I’ll be shocked. He doesn’t seem bothered by my crazy. Only big down fall, hes never done polyamory before. That scares me a bit. Just due to my own past. But everyone’s different. He asked questions and legitimately listens.

I’d like to see where this goes. Keeping my hands to myself was hard because his hug made me weak in the knees. We fit together in the hug so well I could get lost.

Time will tell.

June 4, 2018 0

5.20.18

I got in a deep conversation with someone about what would be the ideal polyam relationship for me.

And thinking over the past ones. What each one brought me, how each one changed me, and help me grow.

I’d have to say I want the kind of polyam relationship that’s strongly rooted in friendship. Were you can be like best friends who can be physical w/o compermizing our marriages or other relationships. Who helps each other grow, vent, think through life problems, brain storm, dream up what ifs, cheers each other on, celebrates our wins with us and comforts our losses.

I get that often poly isn’t a full time relationship at times, sometimes we are in a secondary position, closeted, or more hushed in our lifestyle w/ poly but that doesn’t mean the supportive friendship ground work isnt there.

I have found that kind of connection only a few times. And even fewer was it able to be a relationship of more than friends like I longed for.

I can’t say dating is easy by any means. But I think building meaningful friendships in itself feels more impossible these days.

Sex is great but i wan an intimacy that isn’t strickly sexual and I want that with people I can invest deeply in and know they feel it too by the effort they make to return it.

May 23, 2018 0

Source: lawanis

May 1, 2018 0