No sale but eventful evening

So no luck crunching numbers on the vehical I wanted at my ex’s dealership job.

But HIS direct manager and I went to high school together. He told my ex “dude I know your customer” Lol and both my ex and husband said he wanted to talk to ME way more than to sell me a car. Haha! We were just aquantance in high school, it would have got too weird had it been a high school ex’s… but it will be funny if he asks my ex tomorrow at work, how we know each other being the huge age difference. 🤣😂 tonight was fun. Oddly enough.

And my ex and I talked a bit, one on one, first face to face since our break up.

Its comforting to hear someone acknowledge what went wrong, with taking personal responsibility, w/o it being some take me back pitty-plea. And hearing, “you look happy again”

I simply replied “i am, thank you”

My favorite movie was re-playing at the old downtown theater. My EX and i made plans to go tentatively before my birthday. He’s still going tonight with his wife which im pleased to hear they are better. I find my feelings are more bummed to be sitting at home. Im not missing him, im missing the movie 🤣 because the thought of having to socialize with him annoys me. Maybe ill get the DVD out tonight

🗼

I finally accepted, half heartedly, that it will never be the same. I never wanted staged, or faked enthusiasm. And i dont like how I feel right now. You and me, we lost that spark, a utopia I felt. A safe place, a warm hug, a soft caress my escape.
Deep down I know it’s the truth, but my stubborn heart is too scared to let you go. Few stick around like you did when i was sick, much leas visit me. But this time I know things have changed for real because my words are feeling a different set of emotions, yes the heart breaking pain, but more so somewhere between lost looking at peices of the past when my happy heart propelled me through the most mundain of days and hoping for a future.
My chest is heavy, From the crushing feeling of how when i lose a lover, i lose a friend too. I enjoy you greatly even as just a friend. But thats a transition few can make back to after romantic or sexual connections where made. And i think that pain comes later.
I dont want to tax you. The energy i need is draining for you. Nor do i ever want a “i love you” to be fake. We both know. It just fucking sucks, kinda like holding on to something painful just to be holding on to something.

🗼

Mental vomit….

I miss how you’d tell me you miss me, that you wish I was there to cuddle with you.

I miss how when I’d share something taxing or whats stressing me, you’d ask me “how i am” or “how do you feel abput it” it always made me feel important. Helped give me perspective and often times helped me work through it

I miss the bubbles & the NRE, they left a while ago.

I miss our late night conversations about anything, you just wanted to talk to me.

I miss feeling like you were well balanced and made time for me I felt important and special now i feel like another task to be squeezed in.

You said you dont want to waste time trying to fix or make something work that dosnt wanna fit, since our spark was extinguished, i feel thats where we are.

Our kinks dont match and you recently expressed how draining u find a dom role.

I dont wanna be here but

I dont wanna quit.

But i dont like how i feel right now

But i dont know what, if anything can be done.