Habits

I tend to get in a routine. I like comfortable. Safe. Secure.

But I know I enjoy connections, going out, doing, pushing limits of my own anxiety and norms.

I am happy in My …. ummm not sure what it is.. but I’ll call it a relationship because so many levels apply with that word.

Hubby and I are also in a good place.

I have had someone asking to meet me for weeks now. And to be honest I haven’t wanted to at all, moody and depression and more than anything I’m happy and I dont want any waves to change that. But that’s not how life works. Nor is it healthy. Defantly not the way poly works for me. But monogamous norms try to pull me in to comfortable.

So I have dinner plans friday. Meeting a new person. Facing my anxieties and being social for my own good.

I see my Panda on Sunday and his Wife, which I’m over the moon excited about. In a more platonic situation, I do so miss him.

This years been quiet a rollercoaster. So let see what craziness the last 53 days hold.

November 8, 2018 0

2 fun nights out

Tacos and 3 hr chat with panda Sunday night was super awesome i have missed him. And the night ended with a kiss *awww*

And tonight (monday) ended with a last min invite to see the most random fucking movie with J5. My poly life makes him uneasy with our history, and his bad blood with hubby.. which is completely squashed. So i cleared the air that i love him and would never try to re-light anything more than friends because his friendship matters far more to me than anything and i learned the hard way and lost some important people.

Wednesday is my wedding anniversary I brought heels for our dinner date.

And if i get to see thumper this week would just be a cherry on top.

October 2, 2018 0

Snuggles

I have been sick for like 30 of the last 45 days.

Long story short I’ve spent a lot of time solo.

Fresh clean bedding, and I get hubby snuggles tonight.

April 20, 2018 0

FUCK OCTOBER

This month has been a cluster fuck of emotions for me. I was really happy, somethings were messy and not ideal but in the works of being better. Then October came.

Like the joys of summer came to a screeching halt. I find myself still catching my breath. Dazed and confused sometimes wonderimg what the actual fuck happened. But life does that.

Some minor things came to a head with my primary partner that needed to. They were issues from years gone by that the shake up of a new job created an avalanche of issues. Mainly boiling down to communction of mundane things, and expression of appreciation and gratitude. Im no angel in this mess & Not compleelty one sided. My home base, my rock, is unstable and that is a hard feeling in it self to juggle things with.

Then my secondary relationship comes to a end. Compleetly out of my say or control, irrelevant to how i felt. I clearly misunderstood what felt like comperssion, i was later used as an emotional weapon of wadgering so it feels. And yet again only proving to listen to my damn gut instincts more.

I am then slammed with a painful fibro flare that resulted in a dr visit. And weather yo-yo-ing is only making this month harder to handled.

Then comes news, my oldest daughter is pregnant! I want so badly to not be the way my mother was with me. I wasnt a preg 19y.o but she hated every life choice i made. Suprise my life isnt a total mess. She was never positive. Hateful, spiteful, and cold. I want to be better. I want badly to be supportive regardless how scared for her i am and fruststrated with her life choices right now. The emotional turmoil caused by being raised by toxic families NEVER goes away. Its a conscious effort to be better. Its whole heartedly thinking carefully about each and every word or expression you let out. I have so far done very good at handling the news and her questions and been supportive being 2 hrs away. But the emotions involved are record levels. The toxic scars become more visible while dealing with things and are a brutal reminder.

Im in need of the kind of hugs that comfort and make it feel that all your peices are being pushed back in place

*sigh* Fuck October

October 25, 2017 0

When hes weird and silly and does things like this to make you smile & laugh.

August 14, 2017 0

Comperison

🙂When hubby tells you he might have 4 days out of town training with new job coming up….😑

🤣You joke about inviting BF over for a night….😂

He says go for it just change the sheets…
😮😨😮😨😮

I’ll be over here.. laughing and picking up my jaw up off the floor from shock, by that response. 😂🤣😂🤣😂

😍Love that man, always keeping me on my toes.😍

August 9, 2017 0

🐝 & ♘

♘> hes so stressed. We have a gut feeling the company he works for is sinking. We had one buckle under us with no notice just poof no job one Monday morning, so seeing this scares the fuck out of him. Hes done with the heat. Hes done with the crew. So hes finally going to persue an offer for a huge merging company who his BFF works for, this could be better benifits, more pay, and sun/monday would be his weekends.
I personallyhate change so im scared.
We had a rough start on our hike Saturday morning but the day improved, had his friends over some beers and some really good US time. I know his mind will be on this job change thing this week. Plus temps 105-113*f this week expected. So hes gunna be beat.

🐝> His Life’s been pulling him in so many directions. But he still finds time for the non-verbal communication. ( tagging me in a sweet Tumblr posts, checking mine, short quick texts, Ww/F turns, goodnights texts or posts) and that means so much to me. More than i can explain. Its small but priceless effort to let me know im still on your mind like your on mine. 17 days since our last date, i miss him like crazy. He improves my mood, makes me smile, and calms my mind with ease. We both have crazy busy lives (mines quieted a lot with 2/4 kids moved out) so im learning more patients. My walls are coming down. Im not sure if thats a good idea yet.

On a side note. My ex bf 🗼 keeps poking his head on social media, and random hi’s but nothings changed he still cant hold a conversation to where i feel he gives a fuck when asked “how are you?”

July 31, 2017 0