Tag: love

I got this necklace from my besties hubby. It says I love you in it 100 ways…He got her and I each one. Yes I said her hubby. They know I’m poly. And while I have no romantic or sexual relationship with either of them we often joke we are in a non sexual triad.

I saw what he planned to get her for Christmas on sale and sent him the link he send me money on FB and told me to snag it for him. Its just one of the many ways we work as a team.

Her hubby drives truck long haul. And the days he is gone I am besties over half. She doesn’t drive so errands and what not i help with when he is gone. I mean time with bestie and errands it’s not really a chore🤣. When her hubby is in town I kinda leave them be to enjoy what little time they have.

He and I get in depth talks on credit repair, how to maximize purchasing powers &rebate programs, how we handle people who need to be told how to do their jobs in the most elegant f**k off letters, science, insurance, stocks. we jive.

When the 3 of us hang out it’s full body laughter, the kind that makes me cry I’m laughing to hard. Good deep though convos, roasting each other. It’s just amazing. They spend Thanksgiving with me annually and it’s a tradition I enjoy.

I just smile and laugh because anyone who knows us, knows how well the 3 of us roll. But I wouldn’t have it any other way. I’m loved while not the crazy kink & sex filled life people think polyamory is all about. I am loved.

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Lesson

Someone taught me a lesson I hold dear to my heart.

Love is non- transactional, we can love people and say we love them and while it feels safe and good to have that vulnerability and emotions returned it’s not required. And we shouldn’t fear feeling that amazing emotion.

Tonight the word love was used in a context that would normal scare me out the door running. But I just smiled and pulled him closer and kissed him. I told him he makes my heart very happy.

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5.20.18

I got in a deep conversation with someone about what would be the ideal polyam relationship for me.

And thinking over the past ones. What each one brought me, how each one changed me, and help me grow.

I’d have to say I want the kind of polyam relationship that’s strongly rooted in friendship. Were you can be like best friends who can be physical w/o compermizing our marriages or other relationships. Who helps each other grow, vent, think through life problems, brain storm, dream up what ifs, cheers each other on, celebrates our wins with us and comforts our losses.

I get that often poly isn’t a full time relationship at times, sometimes we are in a secondary position, closeted, or more hushed in our lifestyle w/ poly but that doesn’t mean the supportive friendship ground work isnt there.

I have found that kind of connection only a few times. And even fewer was it able to be a relationship of more than friends like I longed for.

I can’t say dating is easy by any means. But I think building meaningful friendships in itself feels more impossible these days.

Sex is great but i wan an intimacy that isn’t strickly sexual and I want that with people I can invest deeply in and know they feel it too by the effort they make to return it.

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Laying in bed with my love.

He wanted to talk, catch up. Its Been such a crazy week. And being apart for 4days wasn’t easy. I shared a song that made me think of him this week. Shared parts of converstions, thoughts and emotions. Did my homework for Monday’s appoinemnt, and just spent time together.

We are in such a better place together now. And this week has been a test to all the changes we have made.

I think the most touching thing said tonight,

“You told me your scared, but i am too, im happy to see you eyes sparkle again, i know you’ve miss him. But remeber the break up didnt just effect you alone last time, so yes im scared too.”

I cant ask for a more loving supportive husband. Our crazy life is never short of a realty tv show. He listens to my happiness, and comforts my sadness. Celebrates my joys and protects my broken peices.

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I say I love you

Its not always romantic love.

Tonight i got a call from someone who is both my ex and a super awesome friend. Phone calls between us are new. Its been letters mainly for years, As we ended our phone call i told him “love you bunches” and i didn’t think twice.

I could hear in his voice the shock to hear that & i know given his own situation. He likely hasnt heard that in a while. He stumbled & said love you too.

I do love a lot of people, in many different ways. Being auto immune is one of many factors that i think i tend to express my love for others more openly than most.

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I recently this year came out as poly to a handfull of people. Our daughter, a few more friends, and more public in general. in a converstion i expressed this thought. forgive me if peices are missing. With that thought in the image above. We live in a world that tells us, to tell people how we feel because tomorrow is never promised…

Yet newer relationships.. we are afraid to say I love you, especially afraid to say it first, in fear of scaring the other person off, because love is huge. Some how love has gotten paired with other words like always and forever that loving someone now is scary. however, Love is non transactional. Just because one person feels that way, it does not hold the other person to an obligation to say it back. while we feel our best when we are loved in return, it still not an obligation to feel that way in return. grated it can feel like you’ve been handed a fragile heart, but honesty is all you can offer, maybe you dont LOVE them but like them beyond words. that is your feelings. If they feel love for another person, then they should freely be able to express that love, it doesn’t always mean forever, love doesn’t mean marriage, love has sooo many different types and phases of love To tell someone you love them is just a much larger complement than telling them “hey I really like that top on you it brings out your eyes” “i really like spending time with you”, “i really appreciate and value our time together” to tell someone you love them is much like a compliment to them and an expression of anothers feelings. we cannot control our feelings but we can control our actions. our feelings are valid. im not saying the minute NRE has you in a whirlwind of butterflies and bubbles blurt out I love you, but really think about you feelings and express with honesty and no obligation other than honesty and respect back…

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Left on read….

As person

*whom has explained their previous scars

*has asked you to not ask “hows your day” if you don’t have the time to really chat

*has told you how i feel in regards to your newest addition squashing our NRE prematurely

*has watched her take major priority on your calendar and free time

As a person whos lovey dovey GIF was left all day on READ because weekends you go MIA when with her.

I have gotten your messages. Not in text, not voice, but by actions.

Your game, is well played.
You looked so well put together.. i was so impressed by you.
But i have seen now, you are flighty and have no real plan. You have no real dominance after all. Another fake.

I dont know that this is the game i want to play anymore.

Im not a convenience.
Im a person who let down my walls for someone who lives one NRE high to the next. 😔

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The L word

I dont use red hearts emoji any color but red because to me it means a speical kind of love. The kinda love i have only had with my hubby. The only kind of love that has lasted in my life. I have been hurt so many times.

Yet i can love more than one person, been poly 8 yrs and truly ever loved 2 out side of my lion.

This summer someone latched on while feeling NRE and *fell in love* with me and got jealousof my kids and hubby. He went bye bye real quick. I dont have time for that or to explain how unhealthy that even is. Im married, and happy. And that isnt fucking changing.

Tower and I are fireworks and butterflies. Thanks NRE. Now i think we are dancing around that word. And i told him that word bothers me. But we never got into why.

Today while with bff she asked “what if on ur trip he says he loves you, are you gunna dump him and run?” No!

But i dont know that i can say it back because so many times in my life i tell someone i love then and i lose them. The feelings might be there but the label of loving them makes me fearful of possibly being hurt.

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*flash back* >Rabbit <

Every two days I had a blood draw. And as long as I skipped Wednesdays I had a better chance of seeing him. He was the best looking black man I had ever set eyes on. His smile made the room warm. He never missed my blood draws knew just how to get it. We chatted and more and more we connected. Until one day I gave him my number. Crazy and so unlike me but I’ve come to learn I do that when my heart goes swimming in my stomach.
He called. Our friendship grew. I wasn’t looking for a 2nd partner. I was getting over mr.starbucks, and eyes kinda on wolf. But Rabbit was close. Married *don’t ask don’t tell set up* he made time for me.
I went through my chemo the summer of 2013 he’d take his lunch breaks from the lab and come up & sit in the infusion rooms with me. Even gave the gals advice on what veins to port me. I call him rabbit because he was my Roger Rabbit. He called m hs Jessica Rabbit. *sigh*
He and hubby had even gone out for drinks together once. We only hooked up physically once, physically our relationship didn’t match. Friendship it rocked.
We kept in touch the best we could with my life moving forward post surgery and his falling apart with house, job, marriage, and kidney failure problems.
His facebook showed me a post his wife tagged him in. The day had come they had a kidney match. He was heading in for his kidney.
I work the next morning to the most crushing news. The surgery had failed. My friend was gone. And given the dynamic of our friendship there would be no services I could attend. With that post on my phone I cried. For days I read tagged post with goodbyes. It was a loss I wasn’t prepared for.
My jack of clubs, my rabbit, my friend. How your so missed. ❤ Jessica Rabbit

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