Holy shit

6.3.18

A successful date with someone I have been talking too. We got to meet up for wings.

His transparency leaves me in shock. And feels like a trap because it’s so refreshing.

We met up for a early dinner as he as a early riser for work. My anxiety was high like normal but I calmed down after a while. After lots of rambling. I am at a point I’ll just spill my drama and crazy life and if people wanna stick around I’ll be shocked. He doesn’t seem bothered by my crazy. Only big down fall, hes never done polyamory before. That scares me a bit. Just due to my own past. But everyone’s different. He asked questions and legitimately listens.

I’d like to see where this goes. Keeping my hands to myself was hard because his hug made me weak in the knees. We fit together in the hug so well I could get lost.

Time will tell.

Laying in bed with my love.

He wanted to talk, catch up. Its Been such a crazy week. And being apart for 4days wasn’t easy. I shared a song that made me think of him this week. Shared parts of converstions, thoughts and emotions. Did my homework for Monday’s appoinemnt, and just spent time together.

We are in such a better place together now. And this week has been a test to all the changes we have made.

I think the most touching thing said tonight,

“You told me your scared, but i am too, im happy to see you eyes sparkle again, i know you’ve miss him. But remeber the break up didnt just effect you alone last time, so yes im scared too.”

I cant ask for a more loving supportive husband. Our crazy life is never short of a realty tv show. He listens to my happiness, and comforts my sadness. Celebrates my joys and protects my broken peices.

Today was a monday that I cant say i saw coming.

My day started out with texts that My daughter was in early stages of labor. I got up and left town in 30 min to make the 2hr drive to her, shes 2 weeks early, and today my baby girl, gave birth to her first child. a healthy baby boy 6lb 11oz, 19inches . She did amazing, and impressed me how much shes grown in 9mths..

💙💚💛💙💚💛

Parenting makes weird full circles when grandkids come around. I am Nonna, an name close to my own heart. And i think shes gunna be a fantastic Momma bear

💙💚💛💙💚💛

I also had a more, in-depth, lengthy conversation with someone today. Someone, i honestly didnt think i would cross paths with again. I’m not sure if Im more shocked😮, or scared of being hurt again😞. BUT the excitement is welcomed and was honestly missed. 😶😏☺

With the many different directions my 2018 has gone in such a short time, I can’t even pretend to have an idea what lays ahead. But im excited, and kinda 🦋butterflies and dare i say bumblebees 🐝😂🤣😂

I recently this year came out as poly to a handfull of people. Our daughter, a few more friends, and more public in general. in a converstion i expressed this thought. forgive me if peices are missing. With that thought in the image above. We live in a world that tells us, to tell people how we feel because tomorrow is never promised…

Yet newer relationships.. we are afraid to say I love you, especially afraid to say it first, in fear of scaring the other person off, because love is huge. Some how love has gotten paired with other words like always and forever that loving someone now is scary. however, Love is non transactional. Just because one person feels that way, it does not hold the other person to an obligation to say it back. while we feel our best when we are loved in return, it still not an obligation to feel that way in return. grated it can feel like you’ve been handed a fragile heart, but honesty is all you can offer, maybe you dont LOVE them but like them beyond words. that is your feelings. If they feel love for another person, then they should freely be able to express that love, it doesn’t always mean forever, love doesn’t mean marriage, love has sooo many different types and phases of love To tell someone you love them is just a much larger complement than telling them “hey I really like that top on you it brings out your eyes” “i really like spending time with you”, “i really appreciate and value our time together” to tell someone you love them is much like a compliment to them and an expression of anothers feelings. we cannot control our feelings but we can control our actions. our feelings are valid. im not saying the minute NRE has you in a whirlwind of butterflies and bubbles blurt out I love you, but really think about you feelings and express with honesty and no obligation other than honesty and respect back…

Huge night

Oh my poly friends/fallowers i had to share. I went to a birthday party for my ….. no label…. and all his poly peeps were there. I dont mingle and i dont like my poly-cule bubbles tounching, i like my relationships (bubbles) solo. but i knew it would mean a lot to him if i could overcome anxiety and come to his birthday party…..

Lots and lots on anxiety meds, bff pep talk and i did it. I went for 3 hrs

My favorite part was catching him watching me to make sure i was okay, from across the room. His smile was like a comforting hug.
He walked me out and shared how much he appreciated me coming. Another speical night.

Last night 10/17/16- MM. >rated R<

Well when i call someone on thier bluff most the time im very disappointed. I find someone that i click with and the have no intentions of meeting in real life they just wanted to have fun texting. Last night i wasn’t disappointed.

I made an offer to drive to MM, and despite how busy he was. He welcomed me. Finished washing out the freshly dyed purple hair and tossed on a flannel and jeans. (He said he likes me in flannels)

As a cute thing i brought cheesecake. (Both of our favorite.) I expected nothing i was happy to see him, hear him, hug him. If more happened i was willing, but i knew i had no expections.

I felt respected. He showed me around his shop. We talked. As friends. I was more comfortable with him than i expected to be. But still so nervous. But hes even better looking in person. His movements and voice where lighting me on fire. I could feel my knees weak and feet shaking. I cant remember half the shit we talked about. I was so hypnotized by him. He could of barked orders my way and i would have submitted willingly

While talking i had to remove a nipple clamp it was becoming painful. He seemed shocked i had done as he mentioned. He expressed he wanted to see them but
Being in front of large windows made me very uncomfortable. His eyes felt like they could tear me apart. I couldn’t hold eye contact. I felt vulnerable. I’d always blushed and giggled. He thought it was cute.
He walked over standing while i was seated on the couch he played with my hair trying to calm me down. Placed my head on his hip. But each pass through my hair only left me wanting him to grab a handful and take control. But he said a few times he wanted to build trust. I insanely trust him already why? I dont know.
He handed me a vibe and told me to play while he took off his pants. Never has watching someone undress been such turn on. He joined me. handled my lady parts with such gentle care. I came with minimal effort. He stood up and i was more than eager to have him in my mouth. I could feel his resistance. He said it had been so long since hes been blown. Hearing that only made me want to conquer that more. My hands wanted to explore..my mouth as well. Our position didnt make for the best abilty to do so, but i was fallowing his lead. He tasted good, smelled amazing, and i for a moment checked out in pleasure, as he joined in and thrusted forward. He came. And w/o second thought i did my best to swallow all of him.
I wanted more. I wanted so badly to kiss his lips. But i was thankful for the time he gave me. I relized how i had been trained in the past and how it still has me fallow those rule. I asked for a hug before leaving. And i felt like putty in his arms. He told me to let him know when i was home safely. People like that are rare in today’s world.
The drive home was like riding on a cloud. I know time will decide what or where this goes but for the frist time in a long time im holding my breath this one lasts a while.

i find it rather shocking how much wolf had me trained but that knowledge will help me undo it

*flash back* >Rabbit <

Every two days I had a blood draw. And as long as I skipped Wednesdays I had a better chance of seeing him. He was the best looking black man I had ever set eyes on. His smile made the room warm. He never missed my blood draws knew just how to get it. We chatted and more and more we connected. Until one day I gave him my number. Crazy and so unlike me but I’ve come to learn I do that when my heart goes swimming in my stomach.
He called. Our friendship grew. I wasn’t looking for a 2nd partner. I was getting over mr.starbucks, and eyes kinda on wolf. But Rabbit was close. Married *don’t ask don’t tell set up* he made time for me.
I went through my chemo the summer of 2013 he’d take his lunch breaks from the lab and come up & sit in the infusion rooms with me. Even gave the gals advice on what veins to port me. I call him rabbit because he was my Roger Rabbit. He called m hs Jessica Rabbit. *sigh*
He and hubby had even gone out for drinks together once. We only hooked up physically once, physically our relationship didn’t match. Friendship it rocked.
We kept in touch the best we could with my life moving forward post surgery and his falling apart with house, job, marriage, and kidney failure problems.
His facebook showed me a post his wife tagged him in. The day had come they had a kidney match. He was heading in for his kidney.
I work the next morning to the most crushing news. The surgery had failed. My friend was gone. And given the dynamic of our friendship there would be no services I could attend. With that post on my phone I cried. For days I read tagged post with goodbyes. It was a loss I wasn’t prepared for.
My jack of clubs, my rabbit, my friend. How your so missed. ❤ Jessica Rabbit

Coffee?

I have been feeling low self confidence. And fighting a cold, Gained some weight back, feeling crummy. While talking to this new guy 3 days now (will call him eyes) I shared that my 10am meeting got pushed back to 11a

Eyes told me his 10-11a canceled

I never put myself out there to be shot down but I said fuck it and text

“Damn that would be a good time to meet for coffee if I wasn’t just getting over a cold”

Eyes reply :“We could still, I don’t care about colds It’s not like we will be making out”

My heart does a high dive back flip into my stomach. Did I just get accepted? And he wants a friendship first. Sweet!

Eyes asked “starbucks?”

“Definitely but you’ll have to be a little more specific there’s like 500 of them bad boys” as I laughed out loud in walmart. I was there buying make up. Trying to pick up my own self esteem but damn eyes accepting my invite put a pep in my step and a spark in my smile.

We set up to meet at 10a, I picked a small box starbucks w/ only patio seating. Makes for less awkward inside or outside choices and open air and sunlight.

Fix my hair, make up, and out the door.
*forgets anxiety meds & hard candy*

Talk to my BFF on the way
“Omg I’m going to coffee with hot guy”
Safety convo like normal and I let her go.

He pulls in, I knew it was him. I wait for him to get to the patio. He looks so confused by the no inside only walk up window. It’s a cute look on him. He’s wearing the same shirt as the picture he sent me. I walk up and he opens his arms to hug me. Like an old friend he hasn’t seen in a while. *giggles* Warm hug exchanged. And we order drinks.

I was raised going Dutch is the right thing to do. But I order my drink pull out my sbux card and he adds his drink to.the order and pays. This sends my mind spinning. I am so not used to this. He gave them his name for the order. I just smiled.

We sit down and talk. He seems so relaxed like he’s known me forever. I’m a ball of nerves. He gets both our drinks when the barista calls him.

He put his phone face down, listens to me babble about my kids & family. His eyes peirce me but I want to just stare. He’s so handsome in person. I wanted to touch him. 1040a I had to go to catch my 11a appointment I so didn’t want to leave.. I could have spent the whole day with him.

He walks towards the parking lot telling me how great it was to meet me. Hugs me and tells me “I’d kiss you but your still getting over that cold” *splash goes the heart again* “ya I don’t need to share my cooties with ya” I laughingly respond.

I think this high will last the day. I’m gunna try to just enjoy it. Because this could be awesome.

Eyes and I started talking 9/6 he is in a open marriage 15yrs 2 kids this could work out well. But is this another too good to be true again? Also local dating is new always been long distance and it sounds like his wife likes the idea of meeting and handing out with the others partners only time will tell

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