I feel so much better after the convo. It’s good to see the effort fallow through physically, and I was honest about my personal anxieties. he listened and understood, Feeling understood and not told, or made to feel like I’m too clingy, needy or sappy is a very comforting change. The feelings are openly expressed as mutual.

I’m excited and happy. Being he’s never done polyamory before, I’m letting him decide what hes comfortable with. But as long as the effort stays I will continue to be impressed, consistency.

I’m still smiling from ear to ear.

June 13, 2018 0

5.20.18

I got in a deep conversation with someone about what would be the ideal polyam relationship for me.

And thinking over the past ones. What each one brought me, how each one changed me, and help me grow.

I’d have to say I want the kind of polyam relationship that’s strongly rooted in friendship. Were you can be like best friends who can be physical w/o compermizing our marriages or other relationships. Who helps each other grow, vent, think through life problems, brain storm, dream up what ifs, cheers each other on, celebrates our wins with us and comforts our losses.

I get that often poly isn’t a full time relationship at times, sometimes we are in a secondary position, closeted, or more hushed in our lifestyle w/ poly but that doesn’t mean the supportive friendship ground work isnt there.

I have found that kind of connection only a few times. And even fewer was it able to be a relationship of more than friends like I longed for.

I can’t say dating is easy by any means. But I think building meaningful friendships in itself feels more impossible these days.

Sex is great but i wan an intimacy that isn’t strickly sexual and I want that with people I can invest deeply in and know they feel it too by the effort they make to return it.

May 23, 2018 0

Source: lawanis

May 1, 2018 0

Laying in bed with my love.

He wanted to talk, catch up. Its Been such a crazy week. And being apart for 4days wasn’t easy. I shared a song that made me think of him this week. Shared parts of converstions, thoughts and emotions. Did my homework for Monday’s appoinemnt, and just spent time together.

We are in such a better place together now. And this week has been a test to all the changes we have made.

I think the most touching thing said tonight,

“You told me your scared, but i am too, im happy to see you eyes sparkle again, i know you’ve miss him. But remeber the break up didnt just effect you alone last time, so yes im scared too.”

I cant ask for a more loving supportive husband. Our crazy life is never short of a realty tv show. He listens to my happiness, and comforts my sadness. Celebrates my joys and protects my broken peices.

April 14, 2018 0

FUCK OCTOBER

This month has been a cluster fuck of emotions for me. I was really happy, somethings were messy and not ideal but in the works of being better. Then October came.

Like the joys of summer came to a screeching halt. I find myself still catching my breath. Dazed and confused sometimes wonderimg what the actual fuck happened. But life does that.

Some minor things came to a head with my primary partner that needed to. They were issues from years gone by that the shake up of a new job created an avalanche of issues. Mainly boiling down to communction of mundane things, and expression of appreciation and gratitude. Im no angel in this mess & Not compleelty one sided. My home base, my rock, is unstable and that is a hard feeling in it self to juggle things with.

Then my secondary relationship comes to a end. Compleetly out of my say or control, irrelevant to how i felt. I clearly misunderstood what felt like comperssion, i was later used as an emotional weapon of wadgering so it feels. And yet again only proving to listen to my damn gut instincts more.

I am then slammed with a painful fibro flare that resulted in a dr visit. And weather yo-yo-ing is only making this month harder to handled.

Then comes news, my oldest daughter is pregnant! I want so badly to not be the way my mother was with me. I wasnt a preg 19y.o but she hated every life choice i made. Suprise my life isnt a total mess. She was never positive. Hateful, spiteful, and cold. I want to be better. I want badly to be supportive regardless how scared for her i am and fruststrated with her life choices right now. The emotional turmoil caused by being raised by toxic families NEVER goes away. Its a conscious effort to be better. Its whole heartedly thinking carefully about each and every word or expression you let out. I have so far done very good at handling the news and her questions and been supportive being 2 hrs away. But the emotions involved are record levels. The toxic scars become more visible while dealing with things and are a brutal reminder.

Im in need of the kind of hugs that comfort and make it feel that all your peices are being pushed back in place

*sigh* Fuck October

October 25, 2017 0

“Are you going out this week?” Asks my friend

“Nope, things aren’t okay on his side” I say

“what’s with you, your so understanding towards others” she thinks im on another dead end path

“Ive been there… Both sides actually” I shrug

“So you have a map you know how to make it work?” *i laugh*

“Everyone’s poly is different, and I’m not pushing anyone any direction.” I explained

Laughing she asked me “what is it about him? You learned with tower not to hold on to broken things. You learned memories tend to become sweeter than whats really going on with wolf. You should have feelers out for someone new before this ends and breaks you.”

*sigh* “it’s not like a toy. I dont just replace it with a new toy when its not working. I cant even say this isn’t working. I am still on cloud nine. The effort is being made that makes me feel valued and important. Nothing worth value is easy nor, is life ever fucking easy. For anyone, especially me. He still lights me up. Without a single touch. It’s kinda out of his control, I dont really wanna talk to new people… I’ll see it through whatever comes of it.”

But i will admit. It kinda sucks

September 14, 2017 0

Crazy?!?

Yes I know I am.
I tend to be far more patient with those that capture my attention than I probably should but EFFORT matters to me. oh, how the smallest of things make my heart flutter. Life has thrown me so many curve balls and tested me more than the average person. I mean I wasn’t even supposed to be here.
Those that know my inner thoughts think I am walking down a dead end road. Im so thankful hubby supports my choices to wait things out. I kinda thought this might be a dead end road when I first set foot on this path. but i took a chance, one I am thankful for, i almost missed the turn. But some adventures are unmapped, calling out to our souls by name, and making no promises at what we might discover, the enormous joy or even new lessons learned about ourselves. IF this adventure turns out to be just a dead end road, i can say the last 5 months i have smiled and laughed brighter than i have in a while and I will simply pick up my mess and keep moving forward with fond memories to add to my story. I hope to add much more to this adventure.. all in time but until dust can settle, and bridges are secured enough to cross safely, I’ll enjoy the adventure.

September 6, 2017 0

February 27, 2017 0