I left my comfort zone and went to a comedy improve show. The special guest was an ex partner of mine but our friendship has become more stable in where we stand, I wanted to go to show my support.

His eyes always light up when he sees me, everytime since we broke up, and that has always made me feel special. That spark missing was one of the reason we broke up just about a year ago. It’s a rare thing to me. I dont feel that special or that someone is that happy to see me. The last few times I’ve seen that spark It makes me feel so special.

I laughed a lot, didnt even come put of my skin when my name was said.. . I had beer.. which I don’t normally drink. And I really enjoyed myself. I knew when I left it was the right time to leave I didnt need to be getting comfortable and drunk in that situation. My head need be clearly on my shoulders.

I didn’t feel completely out cast like I normally do. They are very much his people but for the first time ever among his people, I didnt feel like an outsider looking in.

July 2, 2018 0

Holy shit

6.3.18

A successful date with someone I have been talking too. We got to meet up for wings.

His transparency leaves me in shock. And feels like a trap because it’s so refreshing.

We met up for a early dinner as he as a early riser for work. My anxiety was high like normal but I calmed down after a while. After lots of rambling. I am at a point I’ll just spill my drama and crazy life and if people wanna stick around I’ll be shocked. He doesn’t seem bothered by my crazy. Only big down fall, hes never done polyamory before. That scares me a bit. Just due to my own past. But everyone’s different. He asked questions and legitimately listens.

I’d like to see where this goes. Keeping my hands to myself was hard because his hug made me weak in the knees. We fit together in the hug so well I could get lost.

Time will tell.

June 4, 2018 0

5.20.18

I got in a deep conversation with someone about what would be the ideal polyam relationship for me.

And thinking over the past ones. What each one brought me, how each one changed me, and help me grow.

I’d have to say I want the kind of polyam relationship that’s strongly rooted in friendship. Were you can be like best friends who can be physical w/o compermizing our marriages or other relationships. Who helps each other grow, vent, think through life problems, brain storm, dream up what ifs, cheers each other on, celebrates our wins with us and comforts our losses.

I get that often poly isn’t a full time relationship at times, sometimes we are in a secondary position, closeted, or more hushed in our lifestyle w/ poly but that doesn’t mean the supportive friendship ground work isnt there.

I have found that kind of connection only a few times. And even fewer was it able to be a relationship of more than friends like I longed for.

I can’t say dating is easy by any means. But I think building meaningful friendships in itself feels more impossible these days.

Sex is great but i wan an intimacy that isn’t strickly sexual and I want that with people I can invest deeply in and know they feel it too by the effort they make to return it.

May 23, 2018 0

Today was a monday that I cant say i saw coming.

My day started out with texts that My daughter was in early stages of labor. I got up and left town in 30 min to make the 2hr drive to her, shes 2 weeks early, and today my baby girl, gave birth to her first child. a healthy baby boy 6lb 11oz, 19inches . She did amazing, and impressed me how much shes grown in 9mths..

💙💚💛💙💚💛

Parenting makes weird full circles when grandkids come around. I am Nonna, an name close to my own heart. And i think shes gunna be a fantastic Momma bear

💙💚💛💙💚💛

I also had a more, in-depth, lengthy conversation with someone today. Someone, i honestly didnt think i would cross paths with again. I’m not sure if Im more shocked😮, or scared of being hurt again😞. BUT the excitement is welcomed and was honestly missed. 😶😏☺

With the many different directions my 2018 has gone in such a short time, I can’t even pretend to have an idea what lays ahead. But im excited, and kinda 🦋butterflies and dare i say bumblebees 🐝😂🤣😂

April 10, 2018 0

Crazy?!?

Yes I know I am.
I tend to be far more patient with those that capture my attention than I probably should but EFFORT matters to me. oh, how the smallest of things make my heart flutter. Life has thrown me so many curve balls and tested me more than the average person. I mean I wasn’t even supposed to be here.
Those that know my inner thoughts think I am walking down a dead end road. Im so thankful hubby supports my choices to wait things out. I kinda thought this might be a dead end road when I first set foot on this path. but i took a chance, one I am thankful for, i almost missed the turn. But some adventures are unmapped, calling out to our souls by name, and making no promises at what we might discover, the enormous joy or even new lessons learned about ourselves. IF this adventure turns out to be just a dead end road, i can say the last 5 months i have smiled and laughed brighter than i have in a while and I will simply pick up my mess and keep moving forward with fond memories to add to my story. I hope to add much more to this adventure.. all in time but until dust can settle, and bridges are secured enough to cross safely, I’ll enjoy the adventure.

September 6, 2017 0

Whats a label?

For me its always brought forth a level of understanding, some kind of commitment, connection, comfort.

This dont have a label. Currently its two people really interested in eachother. Butterflies and NRE, Crazy life’s, making time when we can, and it gets phyical every other time we see eachother because the chemistry pops!

I’m not a gf, yet it dont feel casual to either of us. I understand his limits, restriction and respect them. He “gushes” about me to his others. I could comfortably call him a bf, im mostly content with what this is. ( to early for some things like kink talked have yet to try)

so… hubby calls him my bf, 2 friends whom know im polyamorous call him my bf……

Titles just comfort me. But his hugs and kisses comfort me, him listening, his friendship…. and i think I’ll just keep enjoying what i got in the moment.

February 22, 2017 0