Today was a monday that I cant say i saw coming.

My day started out with texts that My daughter was in early stages of labor. I got up and left town in 30 min to make the 2hr drive to her, shes 2 weeks early, and today my baby girl, gave birth to her first child. a healthy baby boy 6lb 11oz, 19inches . She did amazing, and impressed me how much shes grown in 9mths..

💙💚💛💙💚💛

Parenting makes weird full circles when grandkids come around. I am Nonna, an name close to my own heart. And i think shes gunna be a fantastic Momma bear

💙💚💛💙💚💛

I also had a more, in-depth, lengthy conversation with someone today. Someone, i honestly didnt think i would cross paths with again. I’m not sure if Im more shocked😮, or scared of being hurt again😞. BUT the excitement is welcomed and was honestly missed. 😶😏☺

With the many different directions my 2018 has gone in such a short time, I can’t even pretend to have an idea what lays ahead. But im excited, and kinda 🦋butterflies and dare i say bumblebees 🐝😂🤣😂

April 10, 2018 0

Whoa!

Something small like a headache shouldn’t ever end up with a frenzy of dr and nurse’s and a team speiclist wondering what the best plan is…. ALIVE is the best plan…. and that still had a maybe attached. It all came down to one ER Dr. Who listened to me when i gave the detials and realized this isnt a normal headache. Admitted, OR avoided (barely) discharged, with more labs and CT scans.

Im home, but I can’t begin to tell you how scary this weekend was. LIFE…is one monkey wrench moment to the next. And most of my life, my health is one wrong step from a cliff dive. DR House….. is he available please.

With Grandbaby due, Huge IEP meeting coming, huge changes & accomplishments made in my financial world, wonderful growth in my home realtionships, goals and adventures lay ahead, I think the only thing I’m missing is my poly life…. the additional companionship and laughter over good food, under stars, or on a hike. I miss dating. I miss that human connection of feeling at home, in someone else, whom i dont share a home with but the General connection of cheering eachother on, laughing, and supporting eachothers struggles. Hugs, kisses and just knowing your on someones mind amidst the crazy daily, and the simplest of thoughts makes you smile… because i still laugh out loud at chicken strippers, (even if I’m laughing alone) I find this connection so rare. I’ve been there before. I’ll be there again.

Until then, Tomorrow more tests, another day, progress to be made, I’m here, and I’ll enjoy every bit i can.

April 5, 2018 0

I say I love you

Its not always romantic love.

Tonight i got a call from someone who is both my ex and a super awesome friend. Phone calls between us are new. Its been letters mainly for years, As we ended our phone call i told him “love you bunches” and i didn’t think twice.

I could hear in his voice the shock to hear that & i know given his own situation. He likely hasnt heard that in a while. He stumbled & said love you too.

I do love a lot of people, in many different ways. Being auto immune is one of many factors that i think i tend to express my love for others more openly than most.

March 30, 2018 0

Source: angel-of-nigth

March 29, 2018 0

And like that….

Mr. Mom has ghosted.

Cant say I really care. He was showing very narcissistic traits, and his story was changing.

I didnt go all in, hell i left with more than i came with, and it was an easy cash out too.

The excitement was fun. While it lasted.

March 25, 2018 0

I Can’t drive a stick shift.

Is an on going joke among my close friends/family. I’ll explain more why this matters in a momment.

While it is a fact, despite all my “man cards” I can not drive a stick shift smoothly. First gear is so damn hard for me. While The other gears are smooth, like i know what im doing, i just cant get it down. It stalls out, or is a rough transition.

Oddly enough this metaphorically applies to my dating life in the most accurate of ways.

Therapist and I have worked out a lot of over whelming feelings. He tells me i have myself on the right tack, now to get back into connecting with people. That i need to reinvest in my poly life, human connection platonic or otherwise, its a self investment to move past the fear of being hurt again…

So i did. I went out had fun.

Then i get a random message from someone local on Open Minded. Sweet new people. So we chat. We shall call him Mr.Mom for right now. Busy cheer dad with 4 kids and strongly supports wifes career.

We chat, i wanna go slow, we meet for coffee and i tell myself slow, I tell my circle that i see potential but i dont wanna get excited… they laugh.. because i can’t drive a stick.

First gear, slow, isnt in my normal range. I kinda click or i dont.

With some one on one, alone time, on the calender sunday….. i think we just moved to 3rd gear in a grind’em till You find them kinda of way…

I set out to start that one foot at a time approach to getting my feet wet but i think i just took the diving board.

C’est la vie

March 10, 2018 0

FUCK OCTOBER

This month has been a cluster fuck of emotions for me. I was really happy, somethings were messy and not ideal but in the works of being better. Then October came.

Like the joys of summer came to a screeching halt. I find myself still catching my breath. Dazed and confused sometimes wonderimg what the actual fuck happened. But life does that.

Some minor things came to a head with my primary partner that needed to. They were issues from years gone by that the shake up of a new job created an avalanche of issues. Mainly boiling down to communction of mundane things, and expression of appreciation and gratitude. Im no angel in this mess & Not compleelty one sided. My home base, my rock, is unstable and that is a hard feeling in it self to juggle things with.

Then my secondary relationship comes to a end. Compleetly out of my say or control, irrelevant to how i felt. I clearly misunderstood what felt like comperssion, i was later used as an emotional weapon of wadgering so it feels. And yet again only proving to listen to my damn gut instincts more.

I am then slammed with a painful fibro flare that resulted in a dr visit. And weather yo-yo-ing is only making this month harder to handled.

Then comes news, my oldest daughter is pregnant! I want so badly to not be the way my mother was with me. I wasnt a preg 19y.o but she hated every life choice i made. Suprise my life isnt a total mess. She was never positive. Hateful, spiteful, and cold. I want to be better. I want badly to be supportive regardless how scared for her i am and fruststrated with her life choices right now. The emotional turmoil caused by being raised by toxic families NEVER goes away. Its a conscious effort to be better. Its whole heartedly thinking carefully about each and every word or expression you let out. I have so far done very good at handling the news and her questions and been supportive being 2 hrs away. But the emotions involved are record levels. The toxic scars become more visible while dealing with things and are a brutal reminder.

Im in need of the kind of hugs that comfort and make it feel that all your peices are being pushed back in place

*sigh* Fuck October

October 25, 2017 0

Left on read….

As person

*whom has explained their previous scars

*has asked you to not ask “hows your day” if you don’t have the time to really chat

*has told you how i feel in regards to your newest addition squashing our NRE prematurely

*has watched her take major priority on your calendar and free time

As a person whos lovey dovey GIF was left all day on READ because weekends you go MIA when with her.

I have gotten your messages. Not in text, not voice, but by actions.

Your game, is well played.
You looked so well put together.. i was so impressed by you.
But i have seen now, you are flighty and have no real plan. You have no real dominance after all. Another fake.

I dont know that this is the game i want to play anymore.

Im not a convenience.
Im a person who let down my walls for someone who lives one NRE high to the next. 😔

April 23, 2017 0

New date

4/21
coffee turned into dinner

530p-1030p

He was so easy to talk to.
He understands how family is my everything.
We laughed so much.
He gives hugs that make me feel completely comforted.
im glad i went… i almost canceled

He needs a code name….hmmm

look back edit: 🐝

April 22, 2017 0

Lost

“We should see each other more”
“We should make time”
“We need to have an evening date”

Im not sure who this we is because your the one not available. Your the one whom added someone to your polycule, who seems to have all your free time. I knew time was a commodity you had little of. But things definitely changed. i have tried to suggest time, but then i dont have the link to your google calender as she does.
Im not making the effort to get on you calendar. You want me there…. you’ll make it happen.
Things have changed. And i dont wanna be physical until i know your still invested more than sex. This is why the L word scares me because i let down my walls only to have to start building again.

April 13, 2017 0