5.20.18

I got in a deep conversation with someone about what would be the ideal polyam relationship for me.

And thinking over the past ones. What each one brought me, how each one changed me, and help me grow.

I’d have to say I want the kind of polyam relationship that’s strongly rooted in friendship. Were you can be like best friends who can be physical w/o compermizing our marriages or other relationships. Who helps each other grow, vent, think through life problems, brain storm, dream up what ifs, cheers each other on, celebrates our wins with us and comforts our losses.

I get that often poly isn’t a full time relationship at times, sometimes we are in a secondary position, closeted, or more hushed in our lifestyle w/ poly but that doesn’t mean the supportive friendship ground work isnt there.

I have found that kind of connection only a few times. And even fewer was it able to be a relationship of more than friends like I longed for.

I can’t say dating is easy by any means. But I think building meaningful friendships in itself feels more impossible these days.

Sex is great but i wan an intimacy that isn’t strickly sexual and I want that with people I can invest deeply in and know they feel it too by the effort they make to return it.

May 23, 2018 0

Source: lawanis

May 1, 2018 0

Laying in bed with my love.

He wanted to talk, catch up. Its Been such a crazy week. And being apart for 4days wasn’t easy. I shared a song that made me think of him this week. Shared parts of converstions, thoughts and emotions. Did my homework for Monday’s appoinemnt, and just spent time together.

We are in such a better place together now. And this week has been a test to all the changes we have made.

I think the most touching thing said tonight,

“You told me your scared, but i am too, im happy to see you eyes sparkle again, i know you’ve miss him. But remeber the break up didnt just effect you alone last time, so yes im scared too.”

I cant ask for a more loving supportive husband. Our crazy life is never short of a realty tv show. He listens to my happiness, and comforts my sadness. Celebrates my joys and protects my broken peices.

April 14, 2018 0

I say I love you

Its not always romantic love.

Tonight i got a call from someone who is both my ex and a super awesome friend. Phone calls between us are new. Its been letters mainly for years, As we ended our phone call i told him “love you bunches” and i didn’t think twice.

I could hear in his voice the shock to hear that & i know given his own situation. He likely hasnt heard that in a while. He stumbled & said love you too.

I do love a lot of people, in many different ways. Being auto immune is one of many factors that i think i tend to express my love for others more openly than most.

March 30, 2018 0

Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: What! You too? I thought I was the only one-C.S. Lewis

It’s a comfort, near or far, to feel understood. To conversate with someone whom understands an emotion we feel. Happy, sad, glad, hurt, thankful, frustrated. Whatever emotion, to feel understood is a comfort because for that moment we dont feel alone.

I left my comfort zone. Because if we want something new and different, we have to try something new and different to achieve it. Change has never been very kind to me. And i cant say i like it in the slightest. But today was very different, yet familiar from a past situation. *vague topic i know* Even if a fluke and a false start so to say it made me smile, laugh and gave me comfort.

I think Im ready for some changes, so many have come this year unwanted and painful, shocking, and rattling. Let see what this one can bring. Who knows what crazy adventures i might find myself on. I know 28months ago i did the craziest thing ever, so much fun, self discovery and growth took place then… why not.

November 26, 2017 0

Failed APPS

MyFitnessPal……..FITBIT………Runkeeper

Just communcate with each other please..😑

This stuggle of communication with these 3 apps reminds me of poor poly communcation which makes me chuckle a little inside. 😂

JUST COMMUNICATE PLEASE😣

November 18, 2017 0

Canceled then Stood up

Satruday i wasnt in any frame of mind to people, however I had plans. So while texting this guy around 10a to work out plans for 6p i fianlly hear back at 2p that he had a family emergency. No worries i totally understand. We cancel Saturday eveing. A small win for me as i didnt feel like my heart was ready to people.

So monday, my eveing plans changed leaving me wide open in schedualing so i texted him and offered my open schedual to him.

Sure! Where? When? Okay i can head over about 645p.

I get to the restaurant at 650p because im always early.

I texted at 7:09p “im here but just waiting in my car enjoying the rain txt me when you get here”

7:25p- “did something come up?”

8p *all messages unread*

“Im not sure what happened. You said you be out the door about 645p and i get life happens, but i got no communcation either… ive been here an hour im gonna head home, grab my drink and get comfy for the night. Maybe we can try again another time”

I have no clue what happened. But i dont have time in my life for flakes or fakes.

November 14, 2017 0

Ugly cry

Getting a goodbye text I had no idea was coming, because he said he understood. I wanted nothing more than to break out in tears and ball… but my feet were in the middle of a pedicure, and i was with someone who dosnt know im poly.

I held it together as long as i could…. the second my car door closed, i fell apart. Hard, ugly crying… Sitting in the dark wanting to drive…. right now…to his house and fight for his friendship, to hear me out and communcate. He means a lot to me, but hes done, because backing up to rebuild boundaries from dating to friendship was recived as abandonment. I had NOT left, Ive been right here waiting patiently for him to feel comfortable. Because i couldn’t even see him under platonic terms, but others got to see him regularly despite thier transgressions. I didnt feel he wanted me close. I waited for him to let ME know where I fit in HIS life. I had no idea. I’ve rolled with the ever changing situation, good and bad, and some how he felt i was only around for the good. How?!?

Ugh I’d drive there… right now… god i want to… if it would show him how much i dont want a goodbye. But she wouldn’t appriacte that, and I respect his family to not bring that to his home. I hate that I repect people more than my own feelings sometimes because id be on his doorstep, in tears wanting to talk.

My chest aches so bad. But he made a choice instead of talking to me. I communicated, i was told he understood. I just don’t understand.

November 11, 2017 0

Love yourself

When was the last time you love yourself. Made time to do what you enjoy, pampered yourself?

I needed to love me! October left me bruised and I’m determined to make November better.

I went shopping yesterday got a cute cold temp top that i love

Today i got my hair cut, dyed it to refresh my color, did my nails.

Tomorrow im going to lunch with a friend, and a pedicure tomorrow eveing with another friend.

November 10, 2017 0

Meeting Somone New

Made plans to meet up with someone new, not to new, someone who was going through some relationship losses and heart healing and we made plans for Saturday. super casual thing set up. We both could use some fresh air, conversation and a beer. Im always a nervous wreck before meeting people, regardless of the intentions.

November 9, 2017 0