Tag: polyam

Canceled then Stood up

Satruday i wasnt in any frame of mind to people, however I had plans. So while texting this guy around 10a to work out plans for 6p i fianlly hear back at 2p that he had a family emergency. No worries i totally understand. We cancel Saturday eveing. A small win for me as i didnt feel like my heart was ready to people.

So monday, my eveing plans changed leaving me wide open in schedualing so i texted him and offered my open schedual to him.

Sure! Where? When? Okay i can head over about 645p.

I get to the restaurant at 650p because im always early.

I texted at 7:09p “im here but just waiting in my car enjoying the rain txt me when you get here”

7:25p- “did something come up?”

8p *all messages unread*

“Im not sure what happened. You said you be out the door about 645p and i get life happens, but i got no communcation either… ive been here an hour im gonna head home, grab my drink and get comfy for the night. Maybe we can try again another time”

I have no clue what happened. But i dont have time in my life for flakes or fakes.

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Ugly cry

Getting a goodbye text I had no idea was coming, because he said he understood. I wanted nothing more than to break out in tears and ball… but my feet were in the middle of a pedicure, and i was with someone who dosnt know im poly.

I held it together as long as i could…. the second my car door closed, i fell apart. Hard, ugly crying… Sitting in the dark wanting to drive…. right now…to his house and fight for his friendship, to hear me out and communcate. He means a lot to me, but hes done, because backing up to rebuild boundaries from dating to friendship was recived as abandonment. I had NOT left, Ive been right here waiting patiently for him to feel comfortable. Because i couldn’t even see him under platonic terms, but others got to see him regularly despite thier transgressions. I didnt feel he wanted me close. I waited for him to let ME know where I fit in HIS life. I had no idea. I’ve rolled with the ever changing situation, good and bad, and some how he felt i was only around for the good. How?!?

Ugh I’d drive there… right now… god i want to… if it would show him how much i dont want a goodbye. But she wouldn’t appriacte that, and I respect his family to not bring that to his home. I hate that I repect people more than my own feelings sometimes because id be on his doorstep, in tears wanting to talk.

My chest aches so bad. But he made a choice instead of talking to me. I communicated, i was told he understood. I just don’t understand.

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Love yourself

When was the last time you love yourself. Made time to do what you enjoy, pampered yourself?

I needed to love me! October left me bruised and I’m determined to make November better.

I went shopping yesterday got a cute cold temp top that i love

Today i got my hair cut, dyed it to refresh my color, did my nails.

Tomorrow im going to lunch with a friend, and a pedicure tomorrow eveing with another friend.

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Meeting Somone New

Made plans to meet up with someone new, not to new, someone who was going through some relationship losses and heart healing and we made plans for Saturday. super casual thing set up. We both could use some fresh air, conversation and a beer. Im always a nervous wreck before meeting people, regardless of the intentions.

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Adorably blindsided…

“Would you go with me to the skating rink?”

How old am I? How cute is that.

Kindly put that on hold, i know my hearts not ready to mingle yet.

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FUCK OCTOBER

This month has been a cluster fuck of emotions for me. I was really happy, somethings were messy and not ideal but in the works of being better. Then October came.

Like the joys of summer came to a screeching halt. I find myself still catching my breath. Dazed and confused sometimes wonderimg what the actual fuck happened. But life does that.

Some minor things came to a head with my primary partner that needed to. They were issues from years gone by that the shake up of a new job created an avalanche of issues. Mainly boiling down to communction of mundane things, and expression of appreciation and gratitude. Im no angel in this mess & Not compleelty one sided. My home base, my rock, is unstable and that is a hard feeling in it self to juggle things with.

Then my secondary relationship comes to a end. Compleetly out of my say or control, irrelevant to how i felt. I clearly misunderstood what felt like comperssion, i was later used as an emotional weapon of wadgering so it feels. And yet again only proving to listen to my damn gut instincts more.

I am then slammed with a painful fibro flare that resulted in a dr visit. And weather yo-yo-ing is only making this month harder to handled.

Then comes news, my oldest daughter is pregnant! I want so badly to not be the way my mother was with me. I wasnt a preg 19y.o but she hated every life choice i made. Suprise my life isnt a total mess. She was never positive. Hateful, spiteful, and cold. I want to be better. I want badly to be supportive regardless how scared for her i am and fruststrated with her life choices right now. The emotional turmoil caused by being raised by toxic families NEVER goes away. Its a conscious effort to be better. Its whole heartedly thinking carefully about each and every word or expression you let out. I have so far done very good at handling the news and her questions and been supportive being 2 hrs away. But the emotions involved are record levels. The toxic scars become more visible while dealing with things and are a brutal reminder.

Im in need of the kind of hugs that comfort and make it feel that all your peices are being pushed back in place

*sigh* Fuck October

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“Are you going out this week?” Asks my friend

“Nope, things aren’t okay on his side” I say

“what’s with you, your so understanding towards others” she thinks im on another dead end path

“Ive been there… Both sides actually” I shrug

“So you have a map you know how to make it work?” *i laugh*

“Everyone’s poly is different, and I’m not pushing anyone any direction.” I explained

Laughing she asked me “what is it about him? You learned with tower not to hold on to broken things. You learned memories tend to become sweeter than whats really going on with wolf. You should have feelers out for someone new before this ends and breaks you.”

*sigh* “it’s not like a toy. I dont just replace it with a new toy when its not working. I cant even say this isn’t working. I am still on cloud nine. The effort is being made that makes me feel valued and important. Nothing worth value is easy nor, is life ever fucking easy. For anyone, especially me. He still lights me up. Without a single touch. It’s kinda out of his control, I dont really wanna talk to new people… I’ll see it through whatever comes of it.”

But i will admit. It kinda sucks

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