Nor-cal, 33y.o, mom, wife, spoonie…. My life is one of those "had to be there" jokes. Think of it as a peek in to my mind. some NSFW/18+ only please, all most everything is a repost from other social media platform that i can relate with or love. Common topics include: Moon, Space, Coffee, Love, Depression, feelings, poly, ASD & Fibromyalgia
Made plans to meet up with someone new, not to new, someone who was going through some relationship losses and heart healing and we made plans for Saturday. super casual thing set up. We both could use some fresh air, conversation and a beer. Im always a nervous wreck before meeting people, regardless of the intentions.
This month has been a cluster fuck of emotions for me. I was really happy, somethings were messy and not ideal but in the works of being better. Then October came.
Like the joys of summer came to a screeching halt. I find myself still catching my breath. Dazed and confused sometimes wonderimg what the actual fuck happened. But life does that.
Some minor things came to a head with my primary partner that needed to. They were issues from years gone by that the shake up of a new job created an avalanche of issues. Mainly boiling down to communction of mundane things, and expression of appreciation and gratitude. Im no angel in this mess & Not compleelty one sided. My home base, my rock, is unstable and that is a hard feeling in it self to juggle things with.
Then my secondary relationship comes to a end. Compleetly out of my say or control, irrelevant to how i felt. I clearly misunderstood what felt like comperssion, i was later used as an emotional weapon of wadgering so it feels. And yet again only proving to listen to my damn gut instincts more.
I am then slammed with a painful fibro flare that resulted in a dr visit. And weather yo-yo-ing is only making this month harder to handled.
Then comes news, my oldest daughter is pregnant! I want so badly to not be the way my mother was with me. I wasnt a preg 19y.o but she hated every life choice i made. Suprise my life isnt a total mess. She was never positive. Hateful, spiteful, and cold. I want to be better. I want badly to be supportive regardless how scared for her i am and fruststrated with her life choices right now. The emotional turmoil caused by being raised by toxic families NEVER goes away. Its a conscious effort to be better. Its whole heartedly thinking carefully about each and every word or expression you let out. I have so far done very good at handling the news and her questions and been supportive being 2 hrs away. But the emotions involved are record levels. The toxic scars become more visible while dealing with things and are a brutal reminder.
Im in need of the kind of hugs that comfort and make it feel that all your peices are being pushed back in place
*sigh* Fuck October
“Are you going out this week?” Asks my friend
“Nope, things aren’t okay on his side” I say
“what’s with you, your so understanding towards others” she thinks im on another dead end path
“Ive been there… Both sides actually” I shrug
“So you have a map you know how to make it work?” *i laugh*
“Everyone’s poly is different, and I’m not pushing anyone any direction.” I explained
Laughing she asked me “what is it about him? You learned with tower not to hold on to broken things. You learned memories tend to become sweeter than whats really going on with wolf. You should have feelers out for someone new before this ends and breaks you.”
*sigh* “it’s not like a toy. I dont just replace it with a new toy when its not working. I cant even say this isn’t working. I am still on cloud nine. The effort is being made that makes me feel valued and important. Nothing worth value is easy nor, is life ever fucking easy. For anyone, especially me. He still lights me up. Without a single touch. It’s kinda out of his control, I dont really wanna talk to new people… I’ll see it through whatever comes of it.”
But i will admit. It kinda sucks
Yes I know I am.
I tend to be far more patient with those that capture my attention than I probably should but EFFORT matters to me. oh, how the smallest of things make my heart flutter.  Life has thrown me so many curve balls and tested me more than the average person. I mean I wasnât even supposed to be here.
Those that know my inner thoughts think I am walking down a dead end road. Im so thankful hubby supports my choices to wait things out. I kinda thought this might be a dead end road when I first set foot on this path. but i took a chance, one I am thankful for, i almost missed the turn. But some adventures are unmapped, calling out to our souls by name, and making no promises at what we might discover, the enormous joy or even new lessons learned about ourselves. IF this adventure turns out to be just a dead end road, i can say the last 5 months i have smiled and laughed brighter than i have in a while and I will simply pick up my mess and keep moving forward with fond memories to add to my story. I hope to add much more to this adventure.. all in time but until dust can settle, and bridges are secured enough to cross safely, Iâll enjoy the adventure.Â
I recently this year came out as poly to a handfull of people. Our daughter, a few more friends, and more public in general. in a converstion i expressed this thought. forgive me if peices are missing. With that thought in the image above. We live in a world that tells us, to tell people how we feel because tomorrow is never promisedâŚ
Yet newer relationships.. we are afraid to say I love you, especially afraid to say it first, in fear of scaring the other person off, because love is huge. Some how love has gotten paired with other words like always and forever that loving someone now is scary. however, Love is non transactional. Just because one person feels that way, it does not hold the other person to an obligation to say it back. while we feel our best when we are loved in return, it still not an obligation to feel that way in return. grated it can feel like youâve been handed a fragile heart, but honesty is all you can offer, maybe you dont LOVE them but like them beyond words. that is your feelings. If they feel love for another person, then they should freely be able to express that love, it doesnât always mean forever, love doesnât mean marriage, love has sooo many different types and phases of love To tell someone you love them is just a much larger complement than telling them âhey I really like that top on you it brings out your eyesâ âi really like spending time with youâ, âi really appreciate and value our time togetherâ to tell someone you love them is much like a compliment to them and an expression of anothers feelings. we cannot control our feelings but we can control our actions. our feelings are valid. im not saying the minute NRE has you in a whirlwind of butterflies and bubbles blurt out I love you, but really think about you feelings and express with honesty and no obligation other than honesty and respect backâŚ
â> hes so stressed. We have a gut feeling the company he works for is sinking. We had one buckle under us with no notice just poof no job one Monday morning, so seeing this scares the fuck out of him. Hes done with the heat. Hes done with the crew. So hes finally going to persue an offer for a huge merging company who his BFF works for, this could be better benifits, more pay, and sun/monday would be his weekends.
I personallyhate change so im scared.
We had a rough start on our hike Saturday morning but the day improved, had his friends over some beers and some really good US time. I know his mind will be on this job change thing this week. Plus temps 105-113*f this week expected. So hes gunna be beat.
đ> His Lifeâs been pulling him in so many directions. But he still finds time for the non-verbal communication. ( tagging me in a sweet Tumblr posts, checking mine, short quick texts, Ww/F turns, goodnights texts or posts) and that means so much to me. More than i can explain. Its small but priceless effort to let me know im still on your mind like your on mine. 17 days since our last date, i miss him like crazy. He improves my mood, makes me smile, and calms my mind with ease. We both have crazy busy lives (mines quieted a lot with 2/4 kids moved out) so im learning more patients. My walls are coming down. Im not sure if thats a good idea yet.
On a side note. My ex bf đź keeps poking his head on social media, and random hiâs but nothings changed he still cant hold a conversation to where i feel he gives a fuck when asked âhow are you?â
One of my metamours posted this article she’s currently struggling with where a relationship of hers is going this was a rather eye-opening article to me especially recently ending a relationship
My legs are weak, my fire is re lit, my heart is happy, what am amazing night. And im beyond words thankful for my metamor having the idea. I dont wanna change thier lifestyle, i just wanna spend time with him and so few understand that.
Im so in shock, its been so long since i felt the magic chemistry brings to the table.
7.14.17đ
Wow. Love the support. Its oddly comforting knowing so many ppl love support or simply understand polyamory.
Bestie convinced me to share my story online 9 mths ago. And now with 500 people fallowing this small secondary blog i wanna hug you all.
Thanks for the fallows, comments, hearts and for simply being you.
Perpetual Commotion 