Whoa!

Something small like a headache shouldn’t ever end up with a frenzy of dr and nurse’s and a team speiclist wondering what the best plan is…. ALIVE is the best plan…. and that still had a maybe attached. It all came down to one ER Dr. Who listened to me when i gave the detials and realized this isnt a normal headache. Admitted, OR avoided (barely) discharged, with more labs and CT scans.

Im home, but I can’t begin to tell you how scary this weekend was. LIFE…is one monkey wrench moment to the next. And most of my life, my health is one wrong step from a cliff dive. DR House….. is he available please.

With Grandbaby due, Huge IEP meeting coming, huge changes & accomplishments made in my financial world, wonderful growth in my home realtionships, goals and adventures lay ahead, I think the only thing I’m missing is my poly life…. the additional companionship and laughter over good food, under stars, or on a hike. I miss dating. I miss that human connection of feeling at home, in someone else, whom i dont share a home with but the General connection of cheering eachother on, laughing, and supporting eachothers struggles. Hugs, kisses and just knowing your on someones mind amidst the crazy daily, and the simplest of thoughts makes you smile… because i still laugh out loud at chicken strippers, (even if I’m laughing alone) I find this connection so rare. I’ve been there before. I’ll be there again.

Until then, Tomorrow more tests, another day, progress to be made, I’m here, and I’ll enjoy every bit i can.

April 5, 2018 0

I say I love you

Its not always romantic love.

Tonight i got a call from someone who is both my ex and a super awesome friend. Phone calls between us are new. Its been letters mainly for years, As we ended our phone call i told him “love you bunches” and i didn’t think twice.

I could hear in his voice the shock to hear that & i know given his own situation. He likely hasnt heard that in a while. He stumbled & said love you too.

I do love a lot of people, in many different ways. Being auto immune is one of many factors that i think i tend to express my love for others more openly than most.

March 30, 2018 0

Source: angel-of-nigth

March 29, 2018 0

And like that….

Mr. Mom has ghosted.

Cant say I really care. He was showing very narcissistic traits, and his story was changing.

I didnt go all in, hell i left with more than i came with, and it was an easy cash out too.

The excitement was fun. While it lasted.

March 25, 2018 0

I Can’t drive a stick shift.

Is an on going joke among my close friends/family. I’ll explain more why this matters in a momment.

While it is a fact, despite all my “man cards” I can not drive a stick shift smoothly. First gear is so damn hard for me. While The other gears are smooth, like i know what im doing, i just cant get it down. It stalls out, or is a rough transition.

Oddly enough this metaphorically applies to my dating life in the most accurate of ways.

Therapist and I have worked out a lot of over whelming feelings. He tells me i have myself on the right tack, now to get back into connecting with people. That i need to reinvest in my poly life, human connection platonic or otherwise, its a self investment to move past the fear of being hurt again…

So i did. I went out had fun.

Then i get a random message from someone local on Open Minded. Sweet new people. So we chat. We shall call him Mr.Mom for right now. Busy cheer dad with 4 kids and strongly supports wifes career.

We chat, i wanna go slow, we meet for coffee and i tell myself slow, I tell my circle that i see potential but i dont wanna get excited… they laugh.. because i can’t drive a stick.

First gear, slow, isnt in my normal range. I kinda click or i dont.

With some one on one, alone time, on the calender sunday….. i think we just moved to 3rd gear in a grind’em till You find them kinda of way…

I set out to start that one foot at a time approach to getting my feet wet but i think i just took the diving board.

C’est la vie

March 10, 2018 0

Ouch

Not thinking, just agreed to go run an errand, no big deal. end up pulling into a location, didnt even cross my mind when kiddo said we were going there. Pull into the drive way, suddenly get flooded with memories of the last time i was here with an ex.

My heart hurts, it hasnt in a while, the way it does right now sucks, such good memories leave such a sting. Thankfully i was with someone i could be honest with and let it out.

February 8, 2018 0

Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: What! You too? I thought I was the only one-C.S. Lewis

It’s a comfort, near or far, to feel understood. To conversate with someone whom understands an emotion we feel. Happy, sad, glad, hurt, thankful, frustrated. Whatever emotion, to feel understood is a comfort because for that moment we dont feel alone.

I left my comfort zone. Because if we want something new and different, we have to try something new and different to achieve it. Change has never been very kind to me. And i cant say i like it in the slightest. But today was very different, yet familiar from a past situation. *vague topic i know* Even if a fluke and a false start so to say it made me smile, laugh and gave me comfort.

I think Im ready for some changes, so many have come this year unwanted and painful, shocking, and rattling. Let see what this one can bring. Who knows what crazy adventures i might find myself on. I know 28months ago i did the craziest thing ever, so much fun, self discovery and growth took place then… why not.

November 26, 2017 0

Failed APPS

MyFitnessPal……..FITBIT………Runkeeper

Just communcate with each other please..😑

This stuggle of communication with these 3 apps reminds me of poor poly communcation which makes me chuckle a little inside. 😂

JUST COMMUNICATE PLEASE😣

November 18, 2017 0

Canceled then Stood up

Satruday i wasnt in any frame of mind to people, however I had plans. So while texting this guy around 10a to work out plans for 6p i fianlly hear back at 2p that he had a family emergency. No worries i totally understand. We cancel Saturday eveing. A small win for me as i didnt feel like my heart was ready to people.

So monday, my eveing plans changed leaving me wide open in schedualing so i texted him and offered my open schedual to him.

Sure! Where? When? Okay i can head over about 645p.

I get to the restaurant at 650p because im always early.

I texted at 7:09p “im here but just waiting in my car enjoying the rain txt me when you get here”

7:25p- “did something come up?”

8p *all messages unread*

“Im not sure what happened. You said you be out the door about 645p and i get life happens, but i got no communcation either… ive been here an hour im gonna head home, grab my drink and get comfy for the night. Maybe we can try again another time”

I have no clue what happened. But i dont have time in my life for flakes or fakes.

November 14, 2017 0

Ugly cry

Getting a goodbye text I had no idea was coming, because he said he understood. I wanted nothing more than to break out in tears and ball… but my feet were in the middle of a pedicure, and i was with someone who dosnt know im poly.

I held it together as long as i could…. the second my car door closed, i fell apart. Hard, ugly crying… Sitting in the dark wanting to drive…. right now…to his house and fight for his friendship, to hear me out and communcate. He means a lot to me, but hes done, because backing up to rebuild boundaries from dating to friendship was recived as abandonment. I had NOT left, Ive been right here waiting patiently for him to feel comfortable. Because i couldn’t even see him under platonic terms, but others got to see him regularly despite thier transgressions. I didnt feel he wanted me close. I waited for him to let ME know where I fit in HIS life. I had no idea. I’ve rolled with the ever changing situation, good and bad, and some how he felt i was only around for the good. How?!?

Ugh I’d drive there… right now… god i want to… if it would show him how much i dont want a goodbye. But she wouldn’t appriacte that, and I respect his family to not bring that to his home. I hate that I repect people more than my own feelings sometimes because id be on his doorstep, in tears wanting to talk.

My chest aches so bad. But he made a choice instead of talking to me. I communicated, i was told he understood. I just don’t understand.

November 11, 2017 0