Nor-cal, 33y.o, mom, wife, spoonie…. My life is one of those "had to be there" jokes. Think of it as a peek in to my mind. some NSFW/18+ only please, all most everything is a repost from other social media platform that i can relate with or love. Common topics include: Moon, Space, Coffee, Love, Depression, feelings, poly, ASD & Fibromyalgia
When was the last time you love yourself. Made time to do what you enjoy, pampered yourself?
I needed to love me! October left me bruised and I’m determined to make November better.
I went shopping yesterday got a cute cold temp top that i love
Today i got my hair cut, dyed it to refresh my color, did my nails.
Tomorrow im going to lunch with a friend, and a pedicure tomorrow eveing with another friend.
Made plans to meet up with someone new, not to new, someone who was going through some relationship losses and heart healing and we made plans for Saturday. super casual thing set up. We both could use some fresh air, conversation and a beer. Im always a nervous wreck before meeting people, regardless of the intentions.
Adorably blindsided…
“Would you go with me to the skating rink?”
How old am I? How cute is that.
Kindly put that on hold, i know my hearts not ready to mingle yet.
This month has been a cluster fuck of emotions for me. I was really happy, somethings were messy and not ideal but in the works of being better. Then October came.
Like the joys of summer came to a screeching halt. I find myself still catching my breath. Dazed and confused sometimes wonderimg what the actual fuck happened. But life does that.
Some minor things came to a head with my primary partner that needed to. They were issues from years gone by that the shake up of a new job created an avalanche of issues. Mainly boiling down to communction of mundane things, and expression of appreciation and gratitude. Im no angel in this mess & Not compleelty one sided. My home base, my rock, is unstable and that is a hard feeling in it self to juggle things with.
Then my secondary relationship comes to a end. Compleetly out of my say or control, irrelevant to how i felt. I clearly misunderstood what felt like comperssion, i was later used as an emotional weapon of wadgering so it feels. And yet again only proving to listen to my damn gut instincts more.
I am then slammed with a painful fibro flare that resulted in a dr visit. And weather yo-yo-ing is only making this month harder to handled.
Then comes news, my oldest daughter is pregnant! I want so badly to not be the way my mother was with me. I wasnt a preg 19y.o but she hated every life choice i made. Suprise my life isnt a total mess. She was never positive. Hateful, spiteful, and cold. I want to be better. I want badly to be supportive regardless how scared for her i am and fruststrated with her life choices right now. The emotional turmoil caused by being raised by toxic families NEVER goes away. Its a conscious effort to be better. Its whole heartedly thinking carefully about each and every word or expression you let out. I have so far done very good at handling the news and her questions and been supportive being 2 hrs away. But the emotions involved are record levels. The toxic scars become more visible while dealing with things and are a brutal reminder.
Im in need of the kind of hugs that comfort and make it feel that all your peices are being pushed back in place
*sigh* Fuck October
Watching my daughter go through a break up in which false hope was given, was kind of a slap in the face.
Some self reflecting was noted, and I asked a question today that sucked. But it needed to be said. I don’t feel anything’s changed in my own poly life but needed to make sure I wasn’t blindly standing alone.
Hugging her, I’m reminded of my own heart breaks, over the years, that have shaped me, How being poly I’m still vournalable to more heartache.
WILLINGLY, It’s crazy… because when its good, the butterflies and bubbles the cloud nine, it’s so good. But the down side… oh man when its bad, it’s so bad. I know, I’ve spent my time crying this year over a breakup. It’s hard to remember just how bad it hurts when your not currently in it. But I remember them more than I should. That’s probably my driving force to be so honest. Because false hope, lies big or small, exaggerations, broken promises, all can be so crushing.
Tonight, my heart breaks a bit for her. I hold her knowing nothing I can say or do will remotely began to repair her. I find myself fighting my own tears, not in all my own self reflections, simply because my baby girl hurts and I can’t fix it for her.
Love, Lust, Passion & Connection are all so powerful. They can heal us, and they can shatter us to the core.
“Are you going out this week?” Asks my friend
“Nope, things aren’t okay on his side” I say
“what’s with you, your so understanding towards others” she thinks im on another dead end path
“Ive been there… Both sides actually” I shrug
“So you have a map you know how to make it work?” *i laugh*
“Everyone’s poly is different, and I’m not pushing anyone any direction.” I explained
Laughing she asked me “what is it about him? You learned with tower not to hold on to broken things. You learned memories tend to become sweeter than whats really going on with wolf. You should have feelers out for someone new before this ends and breaks you.”
*sigh* “it’s not like a toy. I dont just replace it with a new toy when its not working. I cant even say this isn’t working. I am still on cloud nine. The effort is being made that makes me feel valued and important. Nothing worth value is easy nor, is life ever fucking easy. For anyone, especially me. He still lights me up. Without a single touch. It’s kinda out of his control, I dont really wanna talk to new people… I’ll see it through whatever comes of it.”
But i will admit. It kinda sucks
So I was sorta seeing someone for about a month. Will call him (WM-boy). He got WAY more attached then I and well, it super complicated things. He was younger than i, by more than I should have a tempted to date. And his life goals and drive where completely non-existent. My life has so much drive, demand, chaos, he just was too damn needy for me. We still text for now. But the physical is over.
Last night pop had to go to ER. COPD complacations. Hes being kept and treated should be fine. I was there till 330a alone with pop. Kids and hubby asleep at home. And WM-BOY despite breaking up the same fucking day, texted with me until I got home safely. That’s the kind of care I want in a BF. I just need someone who’s trying to thrive in life not sitting having tea with depression until they have someone else to have tea with. *sigh*
As for “eyes”, no contact all weekend…. Monday is half over and I got nothing. BFF says let it go if I don’t hear from him by end of day monday. And I won’t lie not texting him sucks. I kinda saw way more potential there than I probably should have. *sigh*
Guess that mean I’m mono, for now. And that’s fine too. He and I have spent small chunks of time being playful and *in* love. Even our teens are grossed out by our love. Hehe.
I expect this week to be crazy. We shale see.
💙
Every two days I had a blood draw. And as long as I skipped Wednesdays I had a better chance of seeing him. He was the best looking black man I had ever set eyes on. His smile made the room warm. He never missed my blood draws knew just how to get it. We chatted and more and more we connected. Until one day I gave him my number. Crazy and so unlike me but I’ve come to learn I do that when my heart goes swimming in my stomach.
He called. Our friendship grew. I wasn’t looking for a 2nd partner. I was getting over mr.starbucks, and eyes kinda on wolf. But Rabbit was close. Married *don’t ask don’t tell set up* he made time for me.
I went through my chemo the summer of 2013 he’d take his lunch breaks from the lab and come up & sit in the infusion rooms with me. Even gave the gals advice on what veins to port me. I call him rabbit because he was my Roger Rabbit. He called m hs Jessica Rabbit. *sigh*
He and hubby had even gone out for drinks together once. We only hooked up physically once, physically our relationship didn’t match. Friendship it rocked.
We kept in touch the best we could with my life moving forward post surgery and his falling apart with house, job, marriage, and kidney failure problems.
His facebook showed me a post his wife tagged him in. The day had come they had a kidney match. He was heading in for his kidney.
I work the next morning to the most crushing news. The surgery had failed. My friend was gone. And given the dynamic of our friendship there would be no services I could attend. With that post on my phone I cried. For days I read tagged post with goodbyes. It was a loss I wasn’t prepared for.
My jack of clubs, my rabbit, my friend. How your so missed. ❤ Jessica Rabbit
Perpetual Commotion 