Nor-cal, 33y.o, mom, wife, spoonie…. My life is one of those "had to be there" jokes. Think of it as a peek in to my mind. some NSFW/18+ only please, all most everything is a repost from other social media platform that i can relate with or love. Common topics include: Moon, Space, Coffee, Love, Depression, feelings, poly, ASD & Fibromyalgia
Not thinking, just agreed to go run an errand, no big deal. end up pulling into a location, didnt even cross my mind when kiddo said we were going there. Pull into the drive way, suddenly get flooded with memories of the last time i was here with an ex.
My heart hurts, it hasnt in a while, the way it does right now sucks, such good memories leave such a sting. Thankfully i was with someone i could be honest with and let it out.
Getting a goodbye text I had no idea was coming, because he said he understood. I wanted nothing more than to break out in tears and ball… but my feet were in the middle of a pedicure, and i was with someone who dosnt know im poly.
I held it together as long as i could…. the second my car door closed, i fell apart. Hard, ugly crying… Sitting in the dark wanting to drive…. right now…to his house and fight for his friendship, to hear me out and communcate. He means a lot to me, but hes done, because backing up to rebuild boundaries from dating to friendship was recived as abandonment. I had NOT left, Ive been right here waiting patiently for him to feel comfortable. Because i couldn’t even see him under platonic terms, but others got to see him regularly despite thier transgressions. I didnt feel he wanted me close. I waited for him to let ME know where I fit in HIS life. I had no idea. I’ve rolled with the ever changing situation, good and bad, and some how he felt i was only around for the good. How?!?
Ugh I’d drive there… right now… god i want to… if it would show him how much i dont want a goodbye. But she wouldn’t appriacte that, and I respect his family to not bring that to his home. I hate that I repect people more than my own feelings sometimes because id be on his doorstep, in tears wanting to talk.
My chest aches so bad. But he made a choice instead of talking to me. I communicated, i was told he understood. I just don’t understand.
As person
*whom has explained their previous scars
*has asked you to not ask “hows your day” if you don’t have the time to really chat
*has told you how i feel in regards to your newest addition squashing our NRE prematurely
*has watched her take major priority on your calendar and free time
As a person whos lovey dovey GIF was left all day on READ because weekends you go MIA when with her.
I have gotten your messages. Not in text, not voice, but by actions.
Your game, is well played.
You looked so well put together.. i was so impressed by you.
But i have seen now, you are flighty and have no real plan. You have no real dominance after all. Another fake.
I dont know that this is the game i want to play anymore.
Im not a convenience.
Im a person who let down my walls for someone who lives one NRE high to the next. 😔
Perpetual Commotion 