I love you

Whoa. Wait a minute. My whole body tenses up. Did he just say that..? I tell myself to breath. As he apologized repeatedly fearfulhe crossed a line.
I was so not ready to hear those words. Yet as soon as the shock passed. I was comforted that for once someone cares about me as much as i do for them. I wanted to say it back, but i couldnt. Only twice have i had a partner i genuinely felt that L word for. One i married the othernis my best friend. But i can’t even say it back because i am terrified. Im so scared this is NRE talking. That once i say it i have completely opened up and in will be hurt.

He loves me.
Looking over the last few months im not exactly sure when i fell. But i know im over the moon.

Breath and enjoy the now!

polyhorror:

Poly horror: getting everything you wanted out of a polycule so fast that you suddenly uncover deep-seeded commitment issues. “Why am I upset?? This is what I wanted!!”

Please don’t hold back on me. Tell me that you miss me. Tell me that you stayed up late cause you couldn’t stop thinking about me, about us. Tell me about the dreams you have with me. Tell me about the way I make you happy. Don’t pretend to have no feelings. Love is not a weakness, and if it is, let’s all be weak, let’s all tell people why they mean so much to us.

polyhorror:

Poly horror: When you constantly think you are getting in the way of your partners who I’ve been together longer

We told our daughter

She 17 and we talk alot. She kinda thought hubby and i had something going on, more don’t ask don’t tell. but her “i wanna be like dad and mom” fairytale, is a little dented but shes said shes okay with it. She understands how me being a mom at 16 and hubby being a stick in the mud leaves me wanting more in life and shes glad it works for us. She said she understands all the advice I’ve given a little better now. she wants things to stay respectfully hushed seeing anything more than a hug would bother her. i appreciated her telling me that. But shes not ashamed because hubby and i are happy. And she noticeably sees how it improves me in general. She is pissed her older brother knew before her.(other issues unrelated got talked about in that mess) But i told he out right asked me. She and i had a nice heart to heart talk while at er last night i told hubby i think shes ready to know. He was more than ready to tell her already. She knows im going to be going to sf with bf next week. I told her i wont be posting cheesy kissing pics on social media.

I feel so much better with her knowing.p

The L word

I dont use red hearts emoji any color but red because to me it means a speical kind of love. The kinda love i have only had with my hubby. The only kind of love that has lasted in my life. I have been hurt so many times.

Yet i can love more than one person, been poly 8 yrs and truly ever loved 2 out side of my lion.

This summer someone latched on while feeling NRE and *fell in love* with me and got jealousof my kids and hubby. He went bye bye real quick. I dont have time for that or to explain how unhealthy that even is. Im married, and happy. And that isnt fucking changing.

Tower and I are fireworks and butterflies. Thanks NRE. Now i think we are dancing around that word. And i told him that word bothers me. But we never got into why.

Today while with bff she asked “what if on ur trip he says he loves you, are you gunna dump him and run?” No!

But i dont know that i can say it back because so many times in my life i tell someone i love then and i lose them. The feelings might be there but the label of loving them makes me fearful of possibly being hurt.

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