another-poly-girl:

We seem to have this idea in our society, that if a relationship doesn’t end in marriage then it isn’t going anywhere and shouldn’t be taken seriously. So, naturally, it makes it very difficult for most people to take polyamorous relationships seriously, because we live in a society that does not allow for you to marry more than one person at a given time. But, I really think we should explore why we consider marriage to be a requirement for commitment. What exactly is so special about marriage? That it’s a life long commitment? You can’t say that when it’s also perfectly legal to get a divorce. Even if divorce was not an option, you wouldn’t need to be legally married to someone in order to make a life long commitment to them. In fact, I’d say it would actually be much more impressive to stick to such a commitment without having a loaded gun pointed to the back of your head, always reminding you of the legal burdens of divorce.

But, let’s suppose that we agree that a person would not necessarily have to get legally married in order to make a life long commitment. Does a commitment really have to be life long in order for it to have meaning? Does anyone actually even know what they are saying when they begin to talk about forever? You can hope that something lasts forever, and by all means, if something is wonderful and fulfilling then you are welcome to hope for anything and  everything you want. But, unless you are nearly at the end of your life, you do not know how forever is going to feel. You don’t actually know how you will feel a decade from now. You might change, your loved one(s) might change, and without question your relationship will change too given enough time. This isn’t meant to scare anyone out of commitments of any sort, but to serve as a reminder that when we talk about commitment we aren’t actually talking about what will happen or how we will feel in the future. Rather, when we talk about commitment, we are talking about how we feel now. We are talking about the fact that a relationship is so important to us, that we want to continue building it and don’t ever want to lose the person or people involved.

I think when people look for promises of forever, what they actually want to know is whether the other person(s) feels the same way about them. Do they experience the same intensity and devotion, or do they consider the relationship a temporary yet fun experience to carry on with until they are able to move onto bigger and better things? And maybe there’s also a sense of insecurity, where some people feel like their loved one’s feelings or promises cannot be trusted without an expensive ring and a legal contract. But, why would you want to legally bind yourself to someone who you cannot trust? And why would they want to bind themselves to you? Maybe you don’t need the ring, or you wanted to get legally married for tax benefits. Maybe you have a terrific reason for wanting to get legally married or not, but you ultimately still need to hear that you have a future with someone in order for you to take the relationship seriously. Just know whatever your loved one says is what they mean now, and probably tomorrow too, but it isn’t what they mean forever. What may actually make more sense, whether monogamous or polyamorous, is to simply say:

“This is important to me and I want to continue building as we go along. I do not want to lose you if I can help it. Do you feel the same?”

Marriage is not a requirement, forever is not a requirement, and even monogamy is still not a requirement to know that your relationship has a meaningful future.